My Meantime

During a particular rough patch of my sophomore year of college, my well-meaning but extremely annoying returned missionary roommates sat me down in our apartment living room one day because they were worried about me. To show their concern, they pushed play on a CD player and out came a melodious tune about hope, faith, heartbreak and redemption. Something Michael McLeanish. I don't remember what song it was but I remember being appalled. Not. My. Style. Oh how times have changed.

I still don't own any Cherie Call or Hilary Weeks CDs (they aren't bad, they just aren't what I enjoy listening to) but, occasionally, I have been asked to sing some of that kind of music so I know a few songs. Several years ago, I was asked to sing a musical number for a stake relief society meeting called In The Meantime. When I was finished, many women in the room had tears in their eyes. I could understand why they might be there, but the song didn't speak to me then. Not the way it does today. I thought of it tonight and looked up its lyrics online. Here they are:

In the Meantime by Tyler Castleton

In her heart she holds the dreams
That she’s carried since the day she turned thirteen
Of all that she would be when she was grown
Of all that she would do when she was finally on her own

She dreamed she’d fly
And she’s still waiting for the chance to try

But in the meantime she’s a mother and a daughter and a wife
Doing all she can to stay above the daily grind
She wonders when she’ll ever have more meaning in her life
She doesn’t know she’s being molded and refined

In the meantime

Someday she’ll go back to school
When the carpools and the soccer games are through
‘cause deep inside she’s still the girl
Who’s always felt the fire to make a difference in the world

She dreams she’ll soar
When she finally has the time to do more

But in the meantime she’s a sister and a teacher and a friend
Hours turn into days that turn to years that never end
She wonders when she’ll ever really find herself again
But she’s becoming one on whom God can depend

In the meantime

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life
and heaven hears her heart before she cries
Somewhere in the middle of the triumphs and the trials
She’s becoming sanctified

But in the meantime she’s an answer and a blessing and a gift
To every empty, aching heart that only she can lift
She still wonders if she’ll ever get to see where heaven is
If she could only see her mansions waiting there
If she could only feel how much her Father cares
She would know she’s being perfectly prepared

In the meantime

Days like today are why songs like this are written. This whole day has been a let down and I admit to sitting here with tears. I look at those lyrics and I think to myself, "Someday...all of this drudgery is going to matter. Someday, I will realize that what I do counts." But it's hard today to think that.

Yesterday, Clark and Stephanie invited us to Stephanie's grandparent's cabin in the mountains tonight. I was so ready to do something that screams summertime fun. We were going to break out the games and cook on camp stoves and sleep in sleeping bags. But Seth had a relapse this morning. His fever came back and he fell asleep in my bed. I knew at that moment that camping was out for him. And me.

It made it hard to go happily about the rest of the day. It made me less than patient with Henry as I shopped for gluten-free food in a great store called Against the Grain but also a store with no shopping carts or a way to keep Henry from taking things off the shelves and putting them in his mouth. It made me curse Tyson's Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts and Sam's Club for only having bags of chicken breasts that are injected with chicken broth which contains gluten. I had to get stuff for the rest of the family to have fun. Pack the food, pack the games....watch as they left. I feel immature for caring but, pardon me, my summer has been a drag. This was our last weekend before Seth starts school on Wednesday. Jay had an academic day today and we were going to get to leave early and I was so excited to just do something relaxing in the mountains.

This evening, Seth perked up a little, and I thought it'd be fun if I took him to Iggy's for dinner. Mistake. He was shivering the whole time and we were there for less than half and hour. I had our waitress bring boxes because he didn't touch his chicken and fries and I only ate half of my Philly sandwich and onion rings. But I left both boxes on the table. I remembered less than five minutes later and walked back but they had already thrown them away. Sigh.

I bought a book to read tonight knowing I'd be on my own once Seth was in bed but I wanted something a little more light-hearted so I thought I'd go to one of those Red-Boxes and see if I could find Music and Lyrics to rent or some other cute film(our netflix selections were clearly picked by Jay) but they were all horror films I've never even heard of. I ended up watching the Dog Whisperer with Seth on my lap.

Is this my meantime? Watching the Dog Whisperer by choice? I don't know if my home sickness has kicked in (Spokane - I miss you), if I'm in let down mode after a house full of guests or (Jen, I'm sorry I wasn't a better hostess) or if I'm just a selfish person who resents missing out on the party because I really don't know if I'm being molded and refined or just bludgeoned by middle age.