Last Day of School

Another school year comes to a close and I am really looking forward to having my boys home for the summer.  Seth and Sam are spending the day participating in the school's traditional "River Walk" which parents weren't invited to (and, really, who am I kidding?  There's no way I'd make an all day outing.  Lately, I barely make it out the door at all) and I'll head over in a couple of hours to watch The Big H graduate from preschool.  I signed up a month ago to bring a salad but find tossing greens with a dressing too overwhelming today.  Instead, I'll drive to a deli and pay way too much for something they made.

It's been a big week.  Seth's fifth grade graduation was on Monday.  He really is growing up.  It makes me feel proud and scared all at the same time.  The other night, he cleaned the entire kitchen and dining room by himself (there was a money incentive, but still!).  He put away left-over food.  He hand washed pots and pans in the sink, then rinsed, dried and put them away.  He wiped off counters.  He even vacuumed the floor.  It is comforting to know that not only is he able to help during the moments when if I move, I'll vomit, but willing.

There was a talent show on Tuesday.  Seth performed his Clementi Sonatina.  I'm glad to put that song to rest finally.  He has a love/hate relationship with it.  After so many months and months, he can't help but play it when he passes the piano but it'll be nice to hear something new.

Yesterday was the school's field day.  Jay was Super Dad and volunteered for the day.  I did the opposite of playing outside in the sun and water and played the organ at a funeral.  It was held at a local mortuary instead of a church and the piano/organ was in a small curtained room just off to the side of the casket.  I was only uncomfortable after the funeral ended and they opened up the casket for one more viewing before heading to the gravesite.  I played postlude and after about a half hour, the man's children each came up to the casket individually.  Their grief, through words and tears, felt very private and I was sorry to hear it.   It didn't feel right to be so close.

We've also had my niece and nephew stay with us this week as their parents are on a cruise.  I feel bad for them because they have the most boring aunt ever.  It's been a really difficult week for me.  I had some hope last week that the Zofran was going to help but it doesn't look like it has any real effect.  Somedays, I feel kind of o.k.  That's as good as it gets.  I never feel great.  I never feel normal.  But, there seem to be more and more days that are becoming just awful.  I feel grumpy and pathetic.   I tried to stay up and chit chat and be interested and attentive their first few nights here, but the past few nights, I have just had to go to bed.  The sooner the day can end, the better.  To make it extra fun, all five of us have Pinkeye and yesterday, we found another tick embedded into Henry's nape.  I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't freaked out about it.

My dad's birthday was yesterday.  He turned seventy-four.  I love him with my whole soul.  He is such a good man and I'm a fortunate girl to have had someone so noble to learn from all these years.

So You Think You Can Dance starts tonight!   That might be just what I need to get my mind through this pregnancy.  I've just about exhausted Netflix's British Period pieces miniseries.  I highly recommend North and South.  Downton Abbey was good and I'm looking forward to some resolution but I didn't like Wives and Daughters very much.   They needed a better climax for the romance between Roger and Molly.

I'm on some sort of a french braid kick.  I just finished doing my hair and think it's the fifth or sixth day in a row I've braided my hair.  I don't know what got me started and really have no idea what keeps me thinking it's a good look (it's not) but a braid it is again.  I feel bad for my niece.  She asked me the other morning if I'd braid her hair for school.  The little talent I have seems to be isolated to having my arms in an up and back position because her poor hair barely resembled braids when I was done (she wanted two).  I noticed when she came home from school, the braids were out.  It made me wonder if I should actually be hoping for a girl.

Oh my goodness, I am rambling.  But, I wrote.  That's something.

Fantasy Friends

Feeling completely justified in taking a break after managing to clean my entire kitchen and dining room, vacuum three rooms, clean the main floor bathroom, fold one of the eight loads of clean laundry needing to be folded (taking bids to fold the other seven!) AND shower, I decided if I'm going to sit, I might as well blog.  Perhaps my less than energetic current state will actually be good for the blog.  

While I might get a self-congratulatory pat on the back today (actually, the entire family has been impressed by my surprising motion), I admit last night was a completely different story.  Jay was exhausted from his preparation and presentation of cancer statistics to a local womens conference and his afternoon fifteen-mile trail run and the boys were glued to the Rockies game playing in the living room and so it was up to me to put on dinner.  I felt sick and very put upon and grouchily called everyone to the gourmet feast sitting upon the table: Hebrew National grilled hot dogs (hey...we're fancy and I don't do mixed meat wieners.  They must be all beef), an assortment of chips, strawberries with their stems still attached and a jar of pickles.  Once my showy feat of domesticity was over, I left the table and headed to my bedroom where I got lost in Tina Fey's new memoir, Bossypants.

I finished the entire thing and laughed out loud more than I have in awhile.  I decided when I closed it that Tina Fey and I could be good friends if we ever had the chance.  O.K.  Probably not since she seems to be more infatuated with the Alec Baldwin/Amy Poehler crowd but I think maybe pre-fame/pre-millions, we could have shared some great laughs.  I love funny people.  Not hyper funny people, mind you, who actually drive me a little nuts, but witty, sarcastic, self-depreciating, non-mean people.  And it's not like it would be all one sided. I could throw a  joke in there on occasion and supply some store-bought refreshments during our funny night pow-wows.

That thought led me to wonder who my other fantasy friends might be.   It gets tricky because lots of famous people, who are sort of the only ones in the running since I don't know about the other non-famous people, aren't very down to earth which is an absolute essential ingredient for friendship.  No high-flutin' girly girls for me!  That weeds out a lot but I think Adele for karaoke nights, Peggy Noonan for intellectual discussions over hot cocoa, CJane for all things regarding mormon momminess (although her infatuation with Provo might get on my nerves), and Katherine Heigl for the Hollywood scene.  She doesn't seem to try too hard and I loved her in Twenty-Seven dresses.  I should say Victoria Beckham since, you know, we're practically the same family (I swear I wasn't trying to copy her with this whole pregnant thing) but she scares me and doesn't eat enough.  Any friend of mine would need to enjoy food.

Interestingly, I constantly tease Jay about his fantasy friends.  He is not a very social creature but any tiny need he might have is filled by Dan Patrick and the Dannettes and Tony Kornheiser.  He passes on their funny stories to me just like he would had an actual friend from school/work/church or the neighborhood shared them.  He feels...close to them.  After reading Tina's book, I know how he feels and that's just after one book.  After years of listening to their daily podcasts, no wonder he feels as if he's friends with these men even though they have absolutely no idea who he is.

Who are your fantasy friends?

What Is It Worth?

I'm determined to blog through this pregnancy.  I have zero, zilch, no record of any of my other pregnancies.  I didn't write in a journal.  I didn't scrapbook.  I didn't even take pictures.  I think there are a total of five pregnancy pictures from all three and most are me sitting down looking at the camera with a visible wish that whoever was taking the picture would go away.  Other than my memories and actual children to show for them, it's like they never happened!

My only concern is that my record might sound like a sad sounding country ballad on repeat.  Um...I feel sick.  And tired.  I need to reach deep for new material.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  She came in with a sympathetic smile tinged with a smirk.  You remember our last conversation was about getting an IUD.  She did redeem herself by running for saltines and water when I started to dry heave in front of her.   Fun, fun, fun!  I left with some serious swag and a prescription for Zofran, an anti-nausea drug I've taken in the past that really does work wonders.

One ironic thing about being married to an actual practicing physician now vs a medical student or resident is we have horrible insurance.  I say horrible, Jay says adequate, but I think that's because his partners chose it and he's being gracious.  Compared to what we paid for our three other children's births, this is going to be a lot more expensive.  Each doctor's visit requires a $65 copay.  I'm paying that much to be weighed and pee in a cup.  It doesn't feel like a bargain.  And would you believe that my ultrasound and future ultrasounds are not free?  The radiologists can waive their fees but the techs and hospital still need to be paid.  Reimbursement rates are at a horrible low in this economy and Jay refuses to add to the statistic or demand special treatment. Fine.

Except I just went to fill my Zofran prescription.  $144 dollars for 60 pills.  The script says to take up to four a day for nausea/vomiting.   At $2.40 per pill, that's almost $10 a day for nausea relief.  Is that expense justified?  I'd spend $10 for lunch but not every day.  I'd spend $10 for a book but, again, not every day.  I'm trying to justify the cost here.  Can I legitimately and in good faith spend $5 or $10 every day to feel better?  Or, should I just save the money and sit around some more?  Well, when I put it like that....

I think I'm going to decide it's worth it.  I have a feeling this is just the beginning of a pretty expensive baby.

Alive...Yes. Kicking...Not So Much

I'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough month.  I think there must be some kind of natural blogging instinct to not write when frustration or despair is raw.  Part of me wishes I had - to capture the real emotions as they happened, but, I think for history's sake, it's more kind to document with the perspective of hindsight.

However, the longer you go without writing, the harder it is to jump back in.  It's almost as if you need something really BIG to be worthy of breaking the silence.  I think I've got just the thing.

I'm pregnant.

It sounds incredibly stupid to say this came as a complete shock when I haven't done anything to prevent a pregnancy for the last three years, but after that much time, and because I needed help conceiving with all three of my others, I really didn't expect for it to happen.  In fact, I had a doctor's appointment last week and made a plan to get a Mirena IUD at the start of my next cycle.  Well...that cycle never came.

When a bout of nausea hit me last Tuesday, I had my first suspicion.  It's such a particular sensation associated with being pregnant for me.  I kept my worry to myself but at my Wednesday morning workout, my trainer asked me if everything was alright and after some tears, convinced me to go buy a pregnancy test.  I had such low energy.  While I drove home from Walmart, I glanced over at the passenger seat to see the IUD pamphlet jutting out from beneath the plastic bag holding a bright pink pregnancy test box.  I thought, "I bet most people don't pick up both of these things in the same week!"

I wish I had more faith or less pride to be able to say with complete confidence that this is the way things are supposed to be or that this is all part of a specific plan.  I'm not sure how that all works out after seeing many wonderful people and couples remain childless and some I consider undeserving proliferate with ease.  And unlike some I know, I've never felt that whispering or prompting that there were more spirits waiting to join our three boys.   I felt...good.  I felt content to move past the young-child-at-home-stage with Henry starting Kindergarten next year.  The idea of starting over - of getting all the things we'll need to have a baby again - still feels overwhelming.  And it's not just all of the paraphernalia we'll need.  It's really hard being sick again. It's really hard to think of all of the work I've put in to losing weight these past months being undone.  As willing as I want to be to stay in shape and keep exercising,  I have no energy.  I feel sick all day.  I'm throwing up in the morning and due to some troublesome spotting, have been instructed by my doctor to avoid anything strenuous.  That means my workouts as I know them have stopped.  Oh, I should still be going for some walks, I suppose, but it's easier to feel bad on my couch and watch movies.  It makes taking one of my three to five naps a day more convenient.

Even though this wasn't planned or expected, Jay has been really sweet and reassuring that we have a great home to welcome whomever is coming.  I like that thought.  We told the boys last night and I wish I would have thought to videotape their reaction.  Seth seemed a little upset.  Sam seemed excited once he actually believed us.  And Henry...oh, sweet Henry, well....he's in for the shock of his life.   I hope to feel like a normal person again soon, but if not, I know come Christmas time, when the baby is due, that this confinement, which turns out to be an appropriate description for now, will end.  Then, it'll be car seat/stroller/diaper bag/portacrib time.  Oh my goodness.

Please forgive my bemoaning.  I realize there will many blessings associated with this experience.  I have no doubt, whatsoever, that when all is said and done, this new life will bring more joy, more spirit and more love to our home.  And if there happens to be more estrogen as well...I certainly wouldn't be disappointed:)