A Few Days in My Former Life...

We’re back and Seth resumes school tomorrow. I think we’ve made the most of this first break. The first week, we stuck around here but did something fun everyday (children’s museum, hike, library, playground of dreams) and our trip could only have improved if Jay had been able to go with us.

The weather was perfect everyday (even the brief day of showers was a lovely respite one day), the company outstanding, and the scenery some of the best in the world. I feel fortunate that my kids are excellent little travelers (although Henry is undergoing training and thus his newbie behavior of fits and cries were tolerated and understood. Older brothers’ performances were freakishly perfect - no whining whatsoever), we had no car issues and even though Jay wasn’t there, I didn’t have one “I’m a single mother and overwhelmed and tired” moment. That statement, alone, is call-the-press worthy, but somehow, my attitude managed to remain enthusiastic and upbeat so that I could enjoy every second of our trip.

Rather than a long and lengthy recap, here are some pictures (and a few from before our trip):

Before we left for our trip, we went up to Brighton and went on a hike. It was SO cold. In fact, it was kind of snowing at one point. And, yes, I let Sammy wear shorts.

Jay got his own Good Mail package from Libby. Perfect, perfect gift. Libby, you're awesome.

I haven't done this in a long time, and I admit that it happened accidentally, but when we were at the library, getting books and movies for our trip, I came to find my boys and found them absorbed in story time. Bonus!

Jay and I went to the Saturday morning session of conference. Maureen gets tickets from being in the Tab choir and they were pretty good seats. We were way on the side, but only about eight rows from the front, so we had a nice side view of all the speakers.

I zoomed in on this one, but it looks like President Hinckley is looking at me.

Without the zoom. See? Good seats. We saw the "knighting" of President Eyring perfectly. It was really funny.

We got to Jen's house on Monday night. The boys went to bed and woke up Tuesday ready to play. They were outside so much and Henry discovered the dirt. Jen had to sweep her deck off multiple times.

The was the gym we took all our kids to play in on Wednesday. It was kind of rainy that day, so this was the perfect activity.

Seth was definitely the biggest child there. Luckily, he's gentle and not super hyper so wasn't knocking any of the babies down.

The springy floor was our favorite place to play. I even had fun hopping up and down. I think it was dusty in there. Every picture has all of those "globes." Aren't they supposed to be spirits or something like that if you happen to be kooky enough to think that?

Henry and Sadie

Sam and Owen

Ansel and Seth (those socks got thrown away!)

Henry found the playhouse just his size

Time to go. We had an absolute blast here and Sammy, as usual, isn't ready to go.
Henry was already in the car so he missed this photo opportunity.

We drove through Spokane and all the way up to North Idaho to visit Chad and Kariann's mountain cabin. It was a cute reunion when all our kids saw each other and they immediately picked up where they left off. Here's Sammy on the three-wheeler. His driving philosophy was more of a pumping style. He'd push the throttle and let go, push it and let go but he did a great job.

Henry was constantly in the way of the three-wheeler's route, but at least he's easy to see in his bright outfit!

Seth did pretty good. He only ran over a bush and hit the edge of the cabin. Of course, he was mortified but Chad and KariAnn are very forgiving.

Seth, Abbie and Reese spent a lot of time playing Harry Potter. They were the perfect Harry, Hermione and Ron. And this is the only picture I have of cute little Luke. What a sweet little baby.

Henry, wandering again.

Sam and Alec building a "fire." which was actually just lots of dirt swirling about.

We built an actual fire in the fire pit. Then we played Ali Ali Oxen Free and Capture the Flag. Fun.

Seth, avoiding being caught.

Chad worked hard the whole weekend. Here, he's taking a break and letting the boys try their hand at splitting logs.

Not so good at splitting, but all the kids chipped in and formed an assembly line to stack the logs.
Here's Sammy passing to Alec (Reese was unloading the logs from the sled)

Then Abbie would hand them to Seth who put them in a pile outside the back door.

Sunday, after church (which was so great to be back in my old ward. I told my friends that I felt like I got a glimpse of what the Celestial Kingdom will feel like, when we meet up again with "family" again, because so many of those ward members felt like family members. I was surprised by how many), we went to Andrea's house for a few hours, mainly so that Seth and Emma could have a chance to play. They have always been such great friends and it was fun to watch them giggle for an afternoon.

Sam and Henry spent hours in the sandbox and Lily, who has grown up so much in the last few months, had fun with Sammy.

On Monday, I took Seth to his old school at lunchtime to see his old chums. It was so sweet. Here he is with his old friend, Hank.

Out at recess, he didn't skip a beat and immediately found his old "Wall Ball" friends. Kate was hard to beat.

Kate, Shamrock and Seth

Then off to our old park for bike rides. What a great park.

One of Sammy's training wheels fell off when we at Jen's house and Christopher silently put these on his bike before we left. I asked Jen if they ever sit around and simply soak up their fantasticness or if they only share it with other people. Apparently, they limit it to sharing.

Leaving the park and looking at our old home. I miss Spokane like crazy, but not really my house. Funny.

We stayed at the best Bed and Breakfast in town.

Look at how cute KariAnn's porch is. I haven't even bought a pumpkin yet.

So cute.

While the older kids were at school, Sam, Alec and Seth enjoyed the backyard.

KariAnn and I got a babysitter so that we could escape our seven kids for a couple of hours and went downtown for dinner and to browse some shops. This is the delightful scene when we got home. The babysitter playing tag with them outside.

Dirty but happy.

Carolyn, Kristin, KariAnn, Andrea, Rebecca and me:)

Then, the old bookgroup gang (we missed you Alisa) got together without even the pretense of discussing a book. What's funny, there have been many months when the book doesn't even get mentioned, much less discussed, but we actually did talk about a few that night. But mostly, we enjoyed chocolate in both its liquid and solid state.

All around KariAnn's table.

There was nothing bad about this entire trip. I can say I only felt one emotion, other than complete joy, and that was a hint of sadness when I was at Seth's school. I miss that. That group and those kids and everything about it. I wish he could still be there, building on those two years of friendships and classes. I hate that, although he's having a good year here, he's going to have to start over again next year. Poor kid.

If there was a rewind button in life, I would be tempted to press it and return to this former life. I love these people. I love that area. But, there is no button, and there are lots of good things happening here that I need to soak up and enjoy more. Besides, 2000 miles and 22 hours of driving is almost the same thing as a rewind button:) Almost.

The Video That Never Was

I see all of these happy, apparently easy-to-upload videos on others' blogs, so I can only assume that they did not also experience the ultimate frustrating and time wasting attempts of trying to upload, using blogger's new easy video feature, that I did. Finally, here it is...shorter, blurrier, on YouTube (because I never could get it to upload to blogger) and somehow less all around than its original.

But still, the boys had a blast with their cousins and I had as much fun watching them, which was the original point.

Tempting Fate

I don't really believe in Fate.

I believe in purpose. I believe in prophesy. I believe in luck. I believe in agency. I believe in a plan. I believe in happenstance. I believe in coincidence. I believe in tender mercies.

I believe in common sense and listening to reason and consequence to action but Fate?

No. Not really.

If I did, then I don't think I'd ever go anywhere. Fate, if she exists, seems to be telling me to stay home. But, that isn't what I chose, so here I am, away from where Fate wants me...taunting her.

I'd been planing on using the time Seth is out of school, to travel and visit my sister, my brother and my friends in our former, much loved northwest paradise. But then I heard my brother and sister in-law were going to be gone the weekend I wanted to visit (I never did get around to asking them so if they are reading this, it's news to them. No worries. Have fun on the cruise!), my cell phone disappeared, my minivan started acting up with the tire pressure indicator repetedly coming on and the brakes acting slightly funny, my phone messages left for people to have all the correct information for flyers to the ward party were never returned and I discovered Seth's break wasn't as long as I originally thought and all previous plans had to be thrown out for new ones. It was enough to make me wonder if maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't go on my road trip.

I adjusted my itinerary, borrowed Jay's cell phone (because the only person he calls is me, and I never call him as he has no reception in the hospital), took my car in to get fixed Monday morning, and unfortunately for Jay, left him with the ward party mess.

And...so far so good. I'd knock on wood...but I don't believe in that sort of thing either.

If Fate thought it'd be a good idea for me to stay home during Seth's break, she is really trying to boss me into not going out of the country next month. She's been plotting this little coup for some time now, but I continue to ignore her.

First of all, I always figured living close to family was going to make this trip easier because I'd have help with my kids. But, soon after we firmed up the actual dates we would travel, my sister-in-law, who I had assumed would watch my boys if I could somehow woo, extort or repay with a counter offer to watch her children for an equal amount of time, announced her pregnancy and due date to be the exact week of our trip (I never did get around to asking her so if she is reading this, it's news to her. No worries. So excited about my future niece!).

I knew that also eliminated my mother-in-law, as she'd be helping with my sister-in-law's family after the birth, and all my other family members work during the day. So, I adjust. My current plan is to ask someone in my ward with one baby (there are like 10-20 such families) to watch Sam and Henry during the day and simply pay them for their efforts. Jay decided to take a week off of work so I actually only need to hire someone for three, maybe four work days. Doable.

Then came the visa and passport problem. But that wasn't anything a couple of hundred of extra dollars couldn't fix. Of course, after that further investment, the protests started in Myanmar. Suddenly, the three of us were wondering if a country on the brink of civil war was really the best place for a vacation. I don't know if any of you have continued reading the news, but reports are sketchy. No one really knows what's going on. We have been able to talk to our parents, and they feel that the revolt is over and it's safe to come. Of course, they also have no access to the internet (only email...which I now send my blog to...but not this one because they think perhaps their emails might be being censored...and my sister, Sarah, is convinced they'll read my blog and consider me hostile to their country and seek to silence me I happen to think that the military junta has more to worry about than one stay-at home woman visiting her missionary parents. Like...say....about 50 million people wishing someone different was in charge...but better safe than sorry.)

At the minimum, we decided we'd go to Thailand and if it wasn't safe, then we would stay there, bask on warm beaches and ride elephants and skip the showdown for democracy. But then, the flight we had tickets on to Thailand was cancelled. The company offered us seats on a flight a day earlier, two days later or a full refund.

The refund was tempting. We asked ourselves, "is this Fate telling us not to go?" But Fate, for all her conniving and scheming, needs more than childcare, money, and civil unrest to keep me down. I have tickets, and I will travel.

We are going for many reasons. A vacation, a warm place to forget the cold, a visit to beloved parents. But a major reason is that all of us want to see the people, the conditions, and the beauty of Myanmar. My mother told me that when she thinks of us coming, she thinks of the poem I put on my blog about the holes in streets and choosing different streets. She told me that every street has holes, and there is no alternative. I like the analogy and I am really looking forward to seeing the beautiful children of God that my parents have had the stewardship of helping this last year.

As for Fate?

Na, na, na, na, na, na.

edited to say that after that whole paragraph about not sending this to my parents' email, I forgot to edit my settings and sent it to them anyway. So...if something questional happens and I'm detained or something, send help.

Physical - Tempo/OIP/Half frogs
Spiritual - 2 NE chapters 19-23
Work - made bed, tidied room, did morning dishes (it's a lot easier when you're a visitor!)
Nuturing - open gym at gymnastics place. Very fun.

Preparation

Oh, how I loved conference this weekend. I remember, while growing up, having to sit for ONE session, usually of our choosing. I remember my cousin, who seemed like an aunt, having her children take notes and me finding that bothersome and goody-goody. (Whoa....I didn't even realize my attitude had taken on that tone so young in life...but yes...those are my memories). I don't think it was until college that I fully appreciated that conference wasn't this boring weekend, watching old men speak with a black background.

During my freshman year at BYU, I was in Women's Choir and the BYU's combined choirs were invited to sing at October conference. It was still in the tabernacle and being that close to the general authorities was amazing. Here I was, a girl from the middle of nowhere, seeing the old men on the black screen. But, in person, they were powerful. Their whole beings emit a special glow...a happiness...a personification of truth.

Since that experience, I have never looked back and have tried to enjoy all sessions of conference every time it's available. This whole weekend was incredible! Every talk was filled with this eye-opening common sense that made me so happy to understand and believe this doctrine. Yes, yes and yes!

And the music? How Firm A Foundation just about made my heart burst. Seriously, it was burning. I cried during the entire closing prayer.

Best of all, I truly feel that my chastisement earlier last week, at the Relief Society Broadcast, was exactly what I needed to prepare myself for many of the talks given this weekend. I couldn't believe how many mentioned how precious our time is, and how much danger there is in wasting it. I am the queen of wasting time! I act as if there is an endless supply (which, honestly, sometimes it really feels like) but was reminded that I am here but for a short time, and am with the people I love and cherish but for a short time, and need to spend that time in service and purpose.

I wasn't hurt and defensive during Sister Beck's talk, which was pretty amazing (I want to be a Mother Who Knew!) and Elder Oaks talk? Inspiring! Thank you!

So, now I seek balance and faith. Faith, because I need to practice was President Hinckley taught. That to gain a testimony of a principle, I need to live the principle. I know there will be days when I will not want to give up my time wasting ways. I've been doing it for but a week now, and I'd say of the seven days, five of them have had some major grumpy episodes. But I'm not giving up.

As far as balance, I still need to be me. I have found some, who perhaps have caught the vision and are simply trying, who alienate themselves from other women with what appears to be a judgmental attitude or accusatory tone about other family's and women's choices. That is what I don't want. I just want to keep on striving.

Thanks to many of you for your encouragement and support. Change is uncomfortable. Change is sometimes hard on relationships. But I don't think the Lord has prepared me for this change to abandon me now. I'm moving on.

Book Review #24 - The History of Love

I've seen The History of Love on several other blogger's reading lists and after being made aware of the fact that the author, Nicole Krauss, is married to the author of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, a book I enjoyed only a couple of months ago, I made a reservation at the library.

In the mood for a romance, when it arrived, I bumped this book past others that have been sitting on my nightstand longer. At first, I was completely absorbed in the writing and Leo Gursky. I even told Emily this book might go on my list of Top Ten favorites. Oh, how I loved Leo's thoughts and his "But." and "And yet." sentences. So stretchy. Those frequently used simple sentences created a narrative of yearning and unfufillment that perfectly expressed Leo's character's disappointment in life.

When it was Alma's turn to speak and disclose, I wasn't nearly so infatuated. Her thoughts and questions lacked the honesty and pain that the much older Leo was able to possess, which makes sense as Alma was only fourteen. Still, I persevered and even enjoyed the minute and slow discoveries she was making.

This book is almost a mystery. The hows and the whys are confusing and it isn't until the end that the missing key is given which opens up the full heartache and confusion of all the characters. Unfortunately, by this time, I was much less enchanted with the entire story as I found way too many parallels with her husband's book that I had already read. They are both about Jewish people divided by a generation who come together through letters. They are both set in New York City with flashbacks to Germany during World War II. They both involve extremely precocious and unnaturally odd children who lose a parent and deal with their grief by setting out on an expedition of discovery. And they both end abysmally disappointing with dysfunction winning over true love. Sigh.

I think I would have loved this book had I read it first or only. Sadly, both books feel tainted to me now. Like, maybe....in a perfect world, I could have enjoyed Singing Bee on NBC. But then Fox came out with Don't Forget the Lyrics. Same idea, different show...I enjoy neither because I don't like copying.

These books don't plagiarize each other or anything, but there are too many similarities for either to be the original and the great books that they are supposed to me. Maybe they need to set their typewriters up in different rooms.

Book Review #23 - The Golden Compass

This series, written by Philip Pullman, was recommended during my reading rut by Anne and I have to say that I am so glad for her recommendation. I don't think I would have picked it up, otherwise, and this was highly enjoyable reading for me.

The series is called His Dark Materials, and The Golden Compass is the first book in the series. In it, the main character, Lyra, an eleven year-old girl, is introduced. Also introduced is the idea of daemons, which, while never actually explained, I'm going to describe as a kind of soul for human beings. Each person has a daemon, which is an animal who is with its person at all times and sort of reveals the mood and character of their human partner. Childrens' daemons can change, and do depending on need and situation. Lyra's daemon, Pantalaimon, changes between a moth, when Lyra is trying to hide, a lion when she's trying to intimidate someone else, and everything in between. I absolutely loved the symbolism it provided throughout the entire story.

Lyra is given an alitheometer, which is a truth telling compass that, through a series of needles, point to objects symbolizing the answers to questions she asks. No adult knows how to read it, and Lyra herself seems unaware of the great gift and power she possesses. Again, lots and lots of symbolism.

While this is billed as young adult fiction/fantasy, and has all of the exciting story lines that would provide hours of amusement and discovery for that age group, this plot...this idea is so complex that any adult should enjoy it. The dark materials, Dust, is viewed by some in the Church as evil, only because it is misunderstood, and therefore to be removed and destroyed. Experiments have revealed that Dust surrounds adults, but not children, and a theory is proposed that it settles only when a person's daemon becomes permanent and cannot change anymore. To test their theory, the group of researchers funded by the church, kidnap children of the poor and experiment "cutting" away their daemons so that this process can never happen. The children are left soulless and all die from confusion and shock.

Incredible analogies, fascinating settings and fantastical characters make this series one I look forward to reading!

Book Review #22 - Their Eyes Were Watching God

This was another book I had little knowledge of when deciding to add it to my "to-read" list. I'd heard of the title, learned it was an Oprah's Book Club choice, and saw it at Sam's Club which inspired me to put a hold on it at the library, but I didn't actually know what it was about.

For that reason, I was a little nervous when I read the foreward and the critic walked me through its rediscovery in the 60s (it was written in 1937) and subsequent controversy over its worthiness as a part of African American literature. Yikes. What's a white, middle class, northerner to do? I prepared myself to read with a sheltered caution.

Honestly, I don't understand the controversy. I don't think it white washes over the ugly aspects of the south in the 1930s, but it also doesn't dwell on every injustice or the blatant unfairness of the times. It simply tells the story as is. Perhaps the African American community fears fingers and voices pointing to the book saying, "See? It wasn't so bad? Your history isn't all oppression and misery." If that is or was the case, I think its safe to say that while the Zora Neale Hurston's portrayal of African American history doesn't attempt the heights of horror of, say, a Toni Morrison novel, it also doesn't give the reader a rosy tinted view of their history either.

The main character, Janie, is an African American teenage girl, raised by a grandmother who, while a slave, was raped and impregnated by a white man. The grandmother bore a daughter, Janie's mother, who, later, was also raped by a peer while in school, which left Janie's mother traumatized and uninterested in her baby. Left to be raised by her grandmother, Janie's childhood and rearing was old-fashioned and she was left with a limited understanding of the world, especially the male/female romantic relationship. Janie does have a vivid experience involving watching pear blossoms being pollinated by bees, which leaves her yearning for romantic love.

Convinced by her grandmother that love can develop after marriage, Janie marries an older farmer who is looking for a hard working wife to help take care of his land. After a short amount of time, Janie realizes there are no pear blossoms there, and that this life does not make her happy. One day, while doing a chore, she comes upon a charismatic man named Jody, who dresses and acts like a free white man, much different than the other men she has been exposed to, and is on his way to live in an all-black community, Eatonville.

Jody smooth talks Janie into going with him and she leaves the farm and her husband in search of her pear blossom. Unfortunately for Janie, this new opportunity doesn't present happiness either and after 20 years or so of marriage and being a trophy to her powerful husband who became Mayor of Eatonville, she finally becomes a widow and experiences independence for the first time. With that independence, she meets and marries the much younger Tea Cake, her pear blossom, and begins to understand and enjoy the inner person she always knew she was.

The power of this novel comes from the phonetic dialogue which transports you to the black south, and the honest expose of the attitudes and expectations of blacks during this period of our country's history. I feel that Janie went through a great deal of growth and discovery and is an excellent example of the silent and dignified power women have and have always had, even when its ability to express itself is limited.

My Experiment With Perfection - Days 2 and 3

Were it not for hamburger and Henry, I might actually have a chance to be successful in becoming the woman/mom/wife/person I want to be.

BUT...

there is a destructive, unpredictable, uncooperative, independent little Henry that charms me despite his writing on the wall with Sharpie markers, (I honestly used to think when other peoples' kids wrote on walls, "why don't you put your markers and pens out of reach?" I have been humbled. The truly innovative artist seems to be able to use the force to open drawers, find tools in hidden crevices or even conjure them up with mental imagery. There is NO stopping them.) despite waking at unpredictable hours (throwing my best laid plans off schedule), and even despite the fact that he isn't content to sit on my lap when he needs to.

AND....

occasionally, I cook with ground beef. It was almost my undoing last night.

Yesterday, we were unable to roll with the momentum from Day One's schedule as there were doctor appointments for both Seth and Sam scheduled first thing in the morning. It's a habit for me to schedule the first available appointment in the morning, because I believe that way, I can avoid the dreaded doctors-get-behind-schedule waiting. The only trouble is, then I'M behind schedule all day and get caught playing catch-up.

At the appointment, Sammy failed his hearing test in one ear, Seth didn't shine on his sight test so needs further evaluation and Henry needs speech therapy. They all got shots (although Henry's appointment was last week, I'm just summarizing it here) and they all, otherwise, appear perfectly healthy.

We followed that star performance with grocery shopping and then off to Wheeler Farm with the cousins! What an adorable little farm in the middle of the city. I love things like this and can sit on the grass and watch my kids play with sticks for hours. But, we also walked around and saw the animals and went on a tractor ride.

On the tractor ride.

Henry loved crawling in and patting on the plastic covering they had on the old latrines. Whee!

Kelly brought bread to feed the ducks (our bread is a little to pricey at $5/loaf to squander away on fowl.)

Henry made me nervous by throwing rocks and sticks while standing very close to the water (he wouldn't have drowned but he would have become annoyingly wet and cold) but this is him laughing in the face of danger.

This was the golden activity until Seth spotted a water snake in the grass. Nobody could really relax after that.

When we got home, I put dinner in the crockpot (*spoiler alert...it involved ground beef*) while Jay, who was home early because it was an academic day, took all three boys to the park to play football. What did I do with my indulgent and unexpected free time? Only exactly what a perfect person would do. I went about finishing my essentials: cleaning bathrooms, folding laundry and NOT getting on the computer (because I hadn't exercised yet and I was trying to be true and faithful in all things. It was only day two, after all.)

Then my little ones came home and in spite of my plans for perfection, all moods went skeewampishly south. My kids had enough gall to complain about being hungry and didn't want to wait to eat until dinner (rude!), Jay had a headache from being with the kids for all of an hour and a half (although, to be fair...it was much more likely due to looking at a computer screen and textbooks of black and white images all day), and even after two hours of being in a crockpot on high, the ground beef I put in for our delicious dinner of homemade baked beans/cowboy goulash (yes...this is YOUR recipe, Kelly!) was not cooked.

Still, no need to panic, because when you're striving for perfection, undercooked beef should not be that big of a deal. Out of the crockpot and into the oven my bean/meat mixture went for a half hour at 400! Take that Mad Cow disease! I set the table, poured out the applesauce and put the delicious gluten free bread out on a bread plate, washed all the extra dishes and messes I created from an earlier failed attempt to make gluten free biscuits from a package (seriously....consistency of toothpaste) and checked again. Pink.

Everyone was seated at the table when I yelled, "This is why I don't like to freakin' cook!!" and slammed the oven door shut simultaneously. Jay, in an heroic effort to prevent total meltdown, told the boys to put on their shoes and get in the car because we were going to Wendy's, but I forced everyone back in their seats because I had spent almost two hours in that kitchen making a cowboy dinner and THEY WERE GOING TO HAPPILY EAT IT! We sat there, silently looking at each other for about five minutes until Jay got up to check the meat. He judged it safe and we spent the next fifteen minutes slowly eating our food, checking every spoonful for anything that could be described as any shade of rouge.

Jay did the dishes while I gave the boys a bath, and then I left to go on a walk. I had planned on walking four miles, but stopped after two and that is just going to have to be o.k. for now. It was dark, and windy and I wanted to get on the computer to check some blogs and perhaps write about my efforts of day two.

When I came home, Jay was on the computer and I realized that he had every right to be (he hardly ever is and wasn't aware of my abstinent day...again...not that that should even matter. I mean, I CAN go for a day without being on the computer. Really....I can!) but that didn't mean I couldn't be and wasn't disappointed about missing out on what I had promised myself as a reward for sticking to my plan. Instead, I took a long, hot bath and read a good chunk of The History of Love. I'm loving it.

Today was almost a replica of yesterday, minus the ground beef. We had a very long doctor's appointment up at Primary Children's Hospital for Sammy's eye. They had to dilate his eyes, and those kinds of appointments run almost three hours. With only swedish fish and the ABC song to distract Henry from destroying the million dollar equipment in each room, those three hours were brutal.

The one great thing about the last two days (besides, the fact that they were both...obviously....perfect), was that with all of the driving around for errands, I have listened to the Book of Mormon on CD and am already in 2 NE 18! So, while my essential workout was cut in half, my essential spirituality has been about quadrupled. There HAS to be some extra blessings for that.

Tonight, we are celebrating my sister, Sarah's, birthday by having one of her favorite dinners (ham and cheesy potatoes). The boys have been working on a surprise for her (that I can't post about because she might check this before she leaves work for the day) and really...it's been a good day. Except for the fact that I really, really put off exercise. It is ranked absolutely lowest in the essentials but changing my priorities and mindset is the goal. Maybe, just maybe, instead of scheduling the first appointment of the day, I can schedule those and other things a little later in the morning so that I don't have to rearrange when I work out OR get up at 5 in the morning to actually accomplish it (which really never, ever happens).

Fascinating reading, I know...but to me, this experiment really has been fascinating so far.

I don't know how else to work this in, other than being perfectly delightful, so here is some good mail I've received in the last couple of weeks.

Claudia sent me a birthday card. I love calligraphy and her cards are so artsy and chic. Thanks for the thought. I appreciate it any day of the year:)

Bridget sent me an article in Newsweek about Celiac Disease. SO thoughtful...I loved that she was looking out for us thousands of miles away.

Allison sent this extraordinary dish soap for sending her an idea for a game. It smells heavenly! Seriously, I actually want to do the dishes with this stuff. It's a bubble bath for my hands.

To be continued: My Experiment With Perfection....

Happy Birthday SARAH!!!

Day One - Perfect So Far

I am an all or nothing kind of person when it comes to setting goals. My family members reading this will already have a smile on their faces because they know EXACTLY what I did today. And I did EXACTLY what I said I was going to do. I can't help it. If I'm going to try, then I'm going to try to be better in all ways.

So, I exercised (T-Tapp LadyBug standing workout), read my scriptures (1 NE chapters 17-20), cleaned the downstairs (vacuumed, mopped floors, scoured stovetop, kitchen sink to a shine), made all of the beds, put a load of laundry in, put dinner in the crockpot, took my kids to the park for a picnic and now am rewarding myself by blogging. Trouble is, when I'm all annoyingly perfect like this...I have no idea what to write about. Um...the park was delightful. We played football and I was even that mom in the song "I'll Build You A Rainbow" (minus wearing an actual football jersey although both Seth and Sam were wearing them. Oh...and minus dying at the end). Now, Seth and Sam are doing art projects, Henry is napping, and after this, I am going to make a spinach dip for Sarah to take to a bridal shower tonight (act of service) and then read.




So...this isn't bad. Why do I rebel against this lifestyle? Why do I already have a sneaky suspicious I won't be so bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow?

I Can and I Should, So I Am Going To Try

And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center.
1 Ne 16:2

Argh!!! I have been sitting here for over ten minutes trying to start something that makes sense, that will be somewhat readable, but I'm on a schedule and I'm using all of my time with the thinking...so I'm just going to start writing. Good luck making sense of any of this.

The General Relief Society broadcast on Saturday night was a mixed bag for me. I'd say, overall, as I left the parking lot I was uplifted and motivated, but during the first talk, given by Sister Beck, I'd describe myself more as indignant. If you didn't get a chance to go, you'll have to rely on my poor-non-note-taking memory, and if you did, feel free to fill in the gaping holes, that I'll no doubt leave.

I chose the scripture up top because as soon as she began her talk, I knew the days of the pats on the back and the "we're all doing the best we can" attitude were over. I've gotten very comfortable with the attitude that you can't criticize women because...well...we might have a breakdown because "we're all doing the best we can!!!" But, sometimes...especially in my case, comfort leads to complacency and complacency leads to neglect and neglect leaves us wide open to the influence of Satan.

I don't think I'm a wicked person. But, I do think Satan has been playing tricks with my mind. Little whispers here and there that my talents do not fall within the boundaries of homemaking and child raising, but rather that I shine better elsewhere. Someone with my potential cannot be content cleaning all day and creating idyllic childhoods. I was meant for greater things. Important things. Adult things.

When Sister Beck began speaking about how we cannot spend our days doing non-essential things before essential things, I immediately took that truth to be hard. "I'm not a robot!" I screamed to myself in defense. "I'm not fulfilled emotionally, intellectually, or socially that way!" I silently shouted back at the screen.

And then the "can"s and the "should"s started. She used their cadence several times to drill in her point that we women have responsibilities that we are forgetting about and that it is our part of the Plan of Happiness to accomplish them. I can and I should spend every day developing spiritual habits that will be the spiritual backbone of my home. I can and I should be better than the world at providing service and support to those around me. I can and I should make sure my children are learning the values they need by teaching them responsibility. I can and I should have a home that is comfortable and taken care of for my family to enjoy being in.

I can and I should, but for awhile now, I haven't been doing it. My days are all kind of blurry lately, with me wanting to be invisible to my kids so I tune out on the computer or in a book or on the phone and let them entertain themselves until my involvement is absolutely necessary. Then, at the interruption into MY day, MY things, I feel so...put out thinking, "I am not cut out for this!" I don't even let myself start with the cleaning and "homemaking" because interruptions and messes after I bother with that really get my blood boiling. Why bother when it's just going to end up a mess later that day? I can easily feel rage when I've spent time making a room look nice and then have my efforts undone a few hours later. I'm much less grumpy about messes when they are kept to a constant standard. I've always justified my behavior by explaining that if I cleaned all day, I'd just be yelling at my children all day. This way...we're all in a better place.

But I've been deceived. I can and I should be better. Sister Beck thinks so which means President Hinckley thinks so which means Heavenly Father thinks so. And even I know so. I do.

So, I must change some priorities. I can, should and must do better than I've been doing. For me, that means no more blogging until and unless I've complete the essential things already. I'm defining essential as:

• spiritual (scripture reading)
• physical (exercise)
• homemaking (whatever daily chore I've decided upon)
• parental (something educational, fun or bonding with my children)

This will not be easy for me. At all. I am not happy about this necessary change right now. But lately, I've been very aware of a tug-of-war battling for my identity. I think Satan has been pretty craft lately, wooing me with praise and admiration, puffing me up with pride over the non-essentials and convincing me that the essentials were boring and not worth the effort.

They are worth the effort and I am going to renew myself to making that effort. Now, onto more of the essentials. I've got Family Home Evening to prepare.

School Is Out

Wha???? Suddenly, a seven year-old is going to be around all day needing activities and entertainment? Isn't there supposed to be some sort of huge relief when a break comes? Like, "No more schedules, no more routines...just lakes and sun and parks and play!" But, in case you haven't noticed, it's turned a bit nippy outside. No swimming and water parks for us. There are some corn mazes. That might last all of two times.

To cope, I am thinking about a road trip. I have some doctor appointments next week for Seth and Sam. Henry had his this morning, had four shots and had an ear infection that I had no idea about! He hasn't even been cranky. And sleep...well...he's never been that good. Oh, and this doctor and I are like bizarro twins. He had a baby four months ago and named him Henry. Said Sam was their #2 name. Then, he asked me what my girl name was and when I told him Clara, he said, "We have a Clara!" Crazy.

Anyhoo....we'll stick around for the doctor and conference and then I think we'll head north. I still need to hammer out the details, but there is no way I can stay sane and stay here at the same time. Even if seven of the 11 or 12 days are in the car...it's still better than remaining here and staring at each other, wondering what to do each day.

Here's to my sanity. Here's to an odd and misplaced vacation time. Here's to year-round school!

Insert Photo Here - SPT

This week, Lelly choose a rather simple SPT. In her words:

so this week, i am going to give you the caption of your spt. all you have to do is go out and take the picture! easy enough, right?

the caption is

i've been meaning to do this for a long time. i'm so glad i finally got around to it!

I realize that this week's SPT was only supposed to be a picture and a caption (I also realize that it was supposed to be done on Tuesday but we don't live in a perfect world). But...this picture does not tell the whole story.

First, the intended picture and said caption:

I've been meaning to do this for a long time. I'm so glad I finally got around to it!

Yes, yes...I've been having Good Mail intentions for...well...a year now? Mailing things overwhelms me. The handwriting, the envelopes, the addresses, the stamps and entering hell itself to get anything larger than a letter mailed. I did buy a scale when I was doing some ebay stuff last year, and it helped a lot, but with our current locked mailboxes in a row, I don't know how to do a post office pick up here at a "complex".

So, I braved the post office. Is there ever a time of day when it isn't jammed packed with people? The minute I walk in, the air turns socialist with the long lines, drab interior, and unfriendly workers. I wait and wait and wait, slowly moving inches per minute as the other helpless victims of inefficiency trudge forward as well. Really, it's like we're in some bizarre Pink Floyd video.

My boys are running around like nutsos and I just let them because, frankly, they deserve it. Why can't there be other options for mailing stuff? Like pediatric dentists or haircuts for kids where they provide things to entertain children during a necessary evil?

The line didn't improve behind me. In fact, one of the "windows" closed, so we were down to two workers and the line was even longer by the time I got up front.

Twenty-five minutes later we leave. It did feel good to get those packages mailed off. But it's not an experience I want to re-create anytime soon. So...for those who are on the receiving end....cherish! For those who I plan on getting to next time....patience! It may be awhile.

Trouble in Myanmar

About a month ago, I noticed some headlines here and there about protests being made in Myanmar (where my parents are serving a mission) after the military government raised the price of diesel to more than twice what is was and natural gas rose by almost five times its previous cost.

I asked my parents about it and they said that it was, indeed, a hardship for the Myanmar people who could no longer afford bus and taxi prices and that it was causing a lot of inflation. For those who don't know, the Myanmar government is led by a military junta, or committee of military leaders, who prevented the winner of a parliamentary election held over 17 years ago, named Aung Sun Suy Kyi, from taking her place as leader of the government. She was awarded the Nobel peace prize in 1991 in conjunction with her non-violent campaign to restore the democracy, but has been under house arrest for the last 10 years.

I hope the words they carry are true

There were 50,000 monks marching yesterday. They are holding pictures of Aung Sung.

During the last month, things have escalated. The country is predominantly Buddhist and as a result, there is a large presence of Buddhist Monks. In an effort to reclaim the democracy they chose to have almost twenty years ago, they have been peaceably marching past Aung Sung's home compound the last several days. Every day it has grown and as protests are meant to do, peaceably or otherwise, the government has noticed and has been forced to react. Unfortunately, their reactions have involved tear gas and guns.

Both of these pictures make me terribly sad.

I heard from my parents this morning. They, obviously, are not out joining the throngs of protesters, so are relatively safe but it doesn't sound good to me. Here is what my mom said in an email:

We are spending a lot of time watching TV news. We went to a briefing at the US embassy this morning, but there wasn't much information. Today a curfew was announced--the staff here at our hotel was put on 7 to 7 schedules, so no one would be traveling during the curfew. Usually there is staff that works until 11:30 and a "ferry" takes them to their homes.

With the announcement that no groups larger than 5 people--a ruling that has always been in place during martial law--our classes are suspended until things quiet down--and we don't know when that will be. There will be no church meetings either for awhile. The announcement of the curfew was for 60 days.

So we are safe. We'll avoid going where there are crowds and probably watch a lot of TV for the next while.

No one really knows what to expect. The monks demonstrated again today after being told not to and there were warning shots and tear gas used on a group of monks. So it's wait and see what happens.

I'm glad they are safe but wonder how this conflict will resolve itself. My sisters, Jennifer and Sarah, and I all have tickets to go visit them in two months. Our tickets were purchased months ago, and two weeks ago, I spent $350 obtaining an expedited passport renewal as Myanmar's visa requirements include having a passport with a six-month validity and mine expires in March 2008. The fee included the new passport, the travel broker's fee, Myanmar's visa fee and the consulate fee. That might have been money better spent. We also have tickets to go to Thailand, but we're all waiting to see what happens. In the meantime, I'm glad that my parents are safe and that we live in a country, that might have lots and lots of problems, but at least we have the freedom to complain about them.

Potatoes, Piano Lessons and the Post Please Me

It's been a good day. This morning was relaxing (maybe too much so, I never did take my walk). I talked on the phone with some friends, I picked Sarah up from the airport and we went and had lunch at Cafe Rio before she headed off to work. Then I got some organizing done and cleaned out our coat closet downstairs (can you believe it was already horribly in chaos after only three months of living? Games everywhere, wrapping paper shoved in, vacuum parts hidden in corners). That made me motivated to hang some more pictures on my walls. Nothing earth shattering, just more reminders that we actually live here, and it's not just some motel we're staying at for awhile. I like seeing my boys above the T.V. The frames are too small for the wall, but I'm going to have to deal for a year.

It's time for a new picture of Sam and Henry. Henry still has his long baby hair in the picture!

A weird thing about living here, is that I forget about getting the mail every day. I have to walk down a street and use a key and there are many days where it simply does not register on my "to-do" list. I remembered today and inside my small, metal box there were a couple of keys to the bigger boxes which means there were packages (it's kind of like Let's Make A Deal - except I get to keep the small stuff too. Yippee....credit card offers and job offers for radiologists in Florida!). Inside the big box There was an envelope full of homemade cards from my super-talented sister-in-law, Tara. She has been making cards with stamps for years now, and hers look completely professional. I LOVE them. Additionally, an old friend proved a kinship with me by mailing me a late birthday present! Thank you Rebecca! It's a perfect smelly candle, all warm and cozy and yummy smelling. And I totally would still have an unsent birthday present for a friend months later. I love that you sent it.

I never posted a picture of this, but as I was reading tonight, I was using my bookmark that RoRo sent me a few weeks ago. Very thoughtful and it added to my pleasant mood.

I love hand-made stuff! Why don't I like to hand make stuff????

What really contributed to my pleasant mood, though, was my sister Maureen coming by after her class at the U and playing with my boys. We had just gotten back from the park, so I felt like I had done sort of o.k. by my boys...getting them outside and such, but she took them back outside and played catch with them for over half an hour while I picked up and thought about dinner.

Afterwards, inside, she gave them their second piano lesson. Seth really takes to it. It's not like he's a prodigy or anything, and he seems to struggle with the rhythm a bit, but he loves the structure of it. When he was done, he clapped his hands together, and said, "Well, mom, I just had my second lesson. It's coming along!" Sammy followed and was really frustrated but Seth went over to reassure him that he had thought it was hard too, but he just kept trying and it turned into a really fun time! They've both practiced several times already this evening, in the spirit of mastering their tasks for next week. Maureen is a great teacher and I love that she is willing to do this for her nephews.

We had Nuke Potatoes (a la Staggering Ox for my homies) tonight for dinner, which, for us, is the equivalent of spaghetti or mac-n-cheese. Nice and easy. Microwave the potatoes, cut them up in bowls and cover them with onions, green peppers, ham, pepperoni and cheese. Then broil them until the cheese is bubbling. We top ours with a little ranch dressing and it's the perfect easy dinner.

I got in half of a great book, Their Eyes Were Watching God, and went on a soda run with Maureen before she went home. My downstairs is clean (I'm not saying anything about my upstairs) and I'm feeling content with my day.

Who knew piano lessons, potatoes and the post could have me feeling so at peace?

Book Review #21 - Those Who Save Us

I've been on a sort of "girl-power" kick lately. Not overtly, but the last few books I've finished, I can't help but think of the independent, but limited-to-express, spirit of women throughout the ages. O-lan, in The Good Earth, felt all the things we modern women feel (anger, jealousy, humiliation, yearning, pride) but wasn't allowed to change her circumstance because of the culture and time she lived in. But her womanhood was there. God of Animals had a female protaganist, Still Summer was about the courage and will of females, albeit not my favorite characters, and Christabel LaMotte broke the mold of a victorian spinster with her intelligence and will.

The order of these books have been chosen purely on chance and yet the theme of a strong woman dominated my latest read as well.

Those Who Save Us, written by Jenna Blum, is an historical fiction novel set in Germany during World War II. Anna is an eighteen year old girl who falls in love with a Jewish doctor and finds the courage to finally stand up to her domineering father, a Nazi sympathizer and altogether unkind man, and hide her lover in her own home. When her father turns him over to the Gestapo, Anna leaves and lives and works with a woman who works with the Resistance Movement. Anna, pregnant and alone, is ultimately left with her own resources and determination to survive and protect her infant daughter. She does this by becoming the mistress of an SS officer after the woman she lives with and works for is executed for being a traitor.

My favorite thing about this was the recurring weaving of the title/theme throughout the many different story lines. The young daughter and her father. The Aryan and the Jew. The resistence worker and a pregnant woman. The SS and his mistress. The mother and her daughter. The Germans and the Americans. The daughter and her step father and ultimately her own adult lover, a Jew. What is the price of survival? What are the faces of those that save us? Our parents, our friends, our lovers, our enemies? This is a complicated story about the difficult and sometimes ugly choices a woman makes to survive, and the shame she endures for her choices.

A Helpful Hymn

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

2.
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

3.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

4.
So, amid the conflict whether great or small, (as mine definitely is)
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.


Blessings:

1. I am married to an incredible man who lives to make us happy and comfortable.
2. We live in a land of plenty with freedom to attend things like wet and rainy football games.
3. We enjoy our health and bodies that allow us to run races and chase after toddlers.
4. My children are curious and independent and growing up to be fine people.
5. I have an abundance of clothes that are clean.
6. I have a large and spacious place to live in.
7. I have information and support at the click of my mouse.
8. I have access to countless books at free and public libraries.
9. I have friends and family who love me despite my less than spectacular moments.
10. I have faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ, who loves me.

Yes....I went to bed singing this hymn and needed to acknowledge some of my many good fortunes.