I Can and I Should, So I Am Going To Try

And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center.
1 Ne 16:2

Argh!!! I have been sitting here for over ten minutes trying to start something that makes sense, that will be somewhat readable, but I'm on a schedule and I'm using all of my time with the thinking...so I'm just going to start writing. Good luck making sense of any of this.

The General Relief Society broadcast on Saturday night was a mixed bag for me. I'd say, overall, as I left the parking lot I was uplifted and motivated, but during the first talk, given by Sister Beck, I'd describe myself more as indignant. If you didn't get a chance to go, you'll have to rely on my poor-non-note-taking memory, and if you did, feel free to fill in the gaping holes, that I'll no doubt leave.

I chose the scripture up top because as soon as she began her talk, I knew the days of the pats on the back and the "we're all doing the best we can" attitude were over. I've gotten very comfortable with the attitude that you can't criticize women because...well...we might have a breakdown because "we're all doing the best we can!!!" But, sometimes...especially in my case, comfort leads to complacency and complacency leads to neglect and neglect leaves us wide open to the influence of Satan.

I don't think I'm a wicked person. But, I do think Satan has been playing tricks with my mind. Little whispers here and there that my talents do not fall within the boundaries of homemaking and child raising, but rather that I shine better elsewhere. Someone with my potential cannot be content cleaning all day and creating idyllic childhoods. I was meant for greater things. Important things. Adult things.

When Sister Beck began speaking about how we cannot spend our days doing non-essential things before essential things, I immediately took that truth to be hard. "I'm not a robot!" I screamed to myself in defense. "I'm not fulfilled emotionally, intellectually, or socially that way!" I silently shouted back at the screen.

And then the "can"s and the "should"s started. She used their cadence several times to drill in her point that we women have responsibilities that we are forgetting about and that it is our part of the Plan of Happiness to accomplish them. I can and I should spend every day developing spiritual habits that will be the spiritual backbone of my home. I can and I should be better than the world at providing service and support to those around me. I can and I should make sure my children are learning the values they need by teaching them responsibility. I can and I should have a home that is comfortable and taken care of for my family to enjoy being in.

I can and I should, but for awhile now, I haven't been doing it. My days are all kind of blurry lately, with me wanting to be invisible to my kids so I tune out on the computer or in a book or on the phone and let them entertain themselves until my involvement is absolutely necessary. Then, at the interruption into MY day, MY things, I feel so...put out thinking, "I am not cut out for this!" I don't even let myself start with the cleaning and "homemaking" because interruptions and messes after I bother with that really get my blood boiling. Why bother when it's just going to end up a mess later that day? I can easily feel rage when I've spent time making a room look nice and then have my efforts undone a few hours later. I'm much less grumpy about messes when they are kept to a constant standard. I've always justified my behavior by explaining that if I cleaned all day, I'd just be yelling at my children all day. This way...we're all in a better place.

But I've been deceived. I can and I should be better. Sister Beck thinks so which means President Hinckley thinks so which means Heavenly Father thinks so. And even I know so. I do.

So, I must change some priorities. I can, should and must do better than I've been doing. For me, that means no more blogging until and unless I've complete the essential things already. I'm defining essential as:

• spiritual (scripture reading)
• physical (exercise)
• homemaking (whatever daily chore I've decided upon)
• parental (something educational, fun or bonding with my children)

This will not be easy for me. At all. I am not happy about this necessary change right now. But lately, I've been very aware of a tug-of-war battling for my identity. I think Satan has been pretty craft lately, wooing me with praise and admiration, puffing me up with pride over the non-essentials and convincing me that the essentials were boring and not worth the effort.

They are worth the effort and I am going to renew myself to making that effort. Now, onto more of the essentials. I've got Family Home Evening to prepare.