Real Vs. Imagined

Five Weeks Old

May 4th of last year was a monumental day for me.  It was the day I found out I was pregnant with Daniel.

April 30 was also a big day.  It was the day we purchased non-refundable all-season ski passes for the entire family.  

I’m a little embarrassed to admit that one of my very first thoughts upon seeing the positive indicator on the pregnancy test was, “Blast!  I just spent all of that money on a ski pass that I’m now not going to be able to use!”  

While in my miserable and selfish state of woe, skiing during the winter was only one of the many freedoms I imagined would be lost once I had the baby.  

Continue losing weight?  No way.  I’m a total emotional eater during pregnancy.   Plus, exercise would be limited to having a babysitter around or using a gym daycare.  

Travel easily?  With a travel crib, stroller, diaper bag, blankets, bottles, pacifiers etc. etc. etc....going anywhere is a packing challenge.  Not to mention, any chance of “making good time,” one of my coping mechanisms for driving long distances with my boys, would be shot.  

Going to movies, lunching with friends, sleeping through the night, camping for fun and not just to say I did it, reading, writing, keeping the house clean, volunteering...showering more than three times a week...all activities my mind just made significantly more difficult to do.  

And it wasn’t just the many altered “to-do”s that had me thinking, it was the “what if”s as well.

What if something is wrong with the baby?

What if I get even more stretch marks?

What if delivery is complicated?

What if the baby cries a lot?

What if I don’t bond with him?  

You see, I’d done this before.  All of the things I imagined would happen were my very real existence for eleven years.  Eleven wonderful years with Seth, Sam and Henry as adorable little needy people, but eleven years nonetheless.  Mentally and emotionally, I had moved past that stage with Henry starting school.  Now, I was going back, at first unwillingly, and I was worried about how I would handle the inevitable changes.    

The boys have gone skiing with Jay on Saturdays for the past three weeks.  I’ve stayed home with Daniel.  

I went to lunch with my friend, Lori, yesterday. I was a half hour late because Daniel needed to eat again before I left and once at the restaurant, I had to rock him in his carseat with my foot most of the time to keep him from fussing.

I went mall walking, ONCE, with my sister while she was here.  As I pushed the stroller and tried to keep up with her pace, I thought I was going to die.  Then, she pushed the stroller and I still couldn’t keep up.  

I have more stretch marks.

Daniel cries.  Quite a bit.  

Most of the things I imagined are now my reality and you know what?  I don’t mind.  Any of it.  

I have a baby.  But, not just a baby, I have Daniel.  I love him.  It’s kind of crazy because I don’t really even know him.  I don’t know if he’ll prefer apple juice over milk or if he’ll have an easy time with math or even if eyes are brown or blue (I think they’re blue!).  I can only imagine what he’ll be like as he grows up.  

I’ve learned, however, that whether what I imagine becomes a reality, or not, I’m going to love him anyway.  

Turns out, I’m actually a better person and mother than I thought!  Imagine that:)

I took pictures for his birth announcement yesterday.
These are some of the shots that I didn’t use on his announcement but are too cute not to use!