Swirling Thoughts

There was a time when people who made comments like, "I don't have time for blogging" annoyed me.  Or their comments annoyed me.  It felt so judgemental as if I, sloth that I am, wasn't using my time as wisely as they used theirs.  Because, of course, the people that might have happened to say something like that  filled their days with feeding the homeless and reading to the blind.  Good people aren't really annoying - just embarrassingly better than me.

Now, each day comes to a close and I feel this very thought swirling around my brain.  Blogging, a practice I enjoy and appreciate, seems constantly stuck at the top of my didn't-get-done-today-try-to-do-tomorrow ever expanding list.  How, pray tell, did writing the goings on of my family and impressions from books get lumped in with throwing away the leftovers in the refrigerator that are never going to be eaten?  Or changing all the bedding?  I finish the day, today, for instance, tired, distracted and needing to unwind.  Even if the day has been a fun one, like the days I am fortunate enough to go skiing, the evenings all seem to end the same.  Helping kids with piano practice, homework, dinner, basketball practice, church meetings, chess club, book club, DI,  scouts and trying to manage to put the Humpty Dumpty of our living spaces back together again.  It's exhausting.

Blogging has evolved since I started, and I believe for the better.  In 2006, it was mostly social.  Suddenly, I was not only allowed to be a voyeur into all sorts of women's lives, but encouraged!  I was rewarded by letting them know I was nosing into their life with a return comment as they nosed into mine.  All that nosing around was invigorating!

Lately, blogging has turned into a beloved collection of memories and chronology of thought.  Much more rewarding than a few "me too" comments following a post, I love looking into my archives every so often to remember what Henry was like at nine months old.  Or what Seth's first day of 1st grade was like.  Or how traumatized I was when Sam first needed glasses.   However, as much as I enjoy the memories, the thrill that comes from reading them is much less immediate and frequent than the thrill that came from daily comments from daily blogging.   For me, that shift in consciousness has lead to less motivation to blog which makes no sense as I now miss out on the instant feedback as well as the future joy that comes from reading past posts.  Lose- lose!

But...I just can't find that pocket of time like I used to.   It's so irritating to say that.   I am not in the soup kitchen nor training for a marathon.  Henry is in all day preschool, for crying out loud.  It makes no mathematical sense.  Sam stayed home from school today with complaints of a stomach ache, and the day was so...relaxed.  While I couldn't cancel everything on my docket, I did cancel my knitting class, and stayed home from my Weight Watchers meeting.  Just having my morning free and clear allowed me to finally get a leg up on some laundry and finish The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.  It felt, oddly enough, just like my days used to feel.

It's so interesting that this thought about a noticeable lack of personal free time is clamoring for attention alongside the thoughts I'm pondering for my upcoming Relief Society lesson on Sunday.  My topic of choice is humility, which, I have learned when defined with a gospel perspective, is constantly striving for a "not my will, but thine" attitude.

I have tried to put this very attitude into my current calling.  We meet as a presidency and seek inspiration for what the sisters of our ward need to increase personal faith and righteousness, strengthen their families and homes and to seek out and help those in need.  Crazily enough, the inspiration has come and I have been flooded with ideas!  I suggest, then plan and organize, then implement them and it all takes so much time.

But.

I have also been so very blessed.  Much like the stories you hear regarding the miracle of the Law of Tithing, although I am busier than I ever wanted to be with church stuff, I have felt my time spiritually expand.  I am not anxious or depressed or stressed out.  Some power just helps me go down my list, checking some things off and realizing others can be done another day.  Thanks to a mildly upset tummy (because it would have been an entirely different kind of post had the tummy upset been severe), today happens to be a day where my head slowed down enough to decide, "I think I'll blog."

I miss being a more active blogger.  My sleep mantra for my kids while they were infants and toddlers was "Sleep begets sleep" and I believe blogging begets blogging.  It's easier to record the funny, the infuriating and the nothing much when each isn't competing with over a week's worth of other material.  But, for now, I'll try to be content with the balance that I am striking between being a homework inspector, a piano tutor, school volunteer, potty trainer, chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, home shopper, cheerleader, nurse, beginning jogger, reader, skier, friend, wife, mother.

And blogger.

I mustn't forget blogger.