Growing Pains

Two days ago, Seth dropped a non-sequitur while I was making dinner in the kitchen (I don't know why I added that detail. Where else would I make dinner?) Out of the blue, he says, "Mom, I'm going to get the award for the loneliest eater." Mind you, he says this with enthusiasm in his voice and an animated face.

"What?" I say as I chop onions.

"I'm going to get the award for the loneliest eater."

"Is this something someone told you? Is there an actual award?" I say, trying to make sense of his announcement.

"No. I just would if they counted who sits by himself the most in the lunchroom. I've had the whole table to myself more than once!"

Rip. Thud. Splat.

That's the sound of my heart breaking.

I think the reason his innocent cry for attention hurts so much is that I know exactly how he is feeling. I do know what it's like to sit alone. I know what it's like to be afraid to sit alone. I know what it's like to pretend there's nothing weird, embarrassing or sad about sitting alone. I know. I know.

So what do I do? Besides give him a hug and ask if he's still playing tag with the same group of girls at recess? I sign him up for youth league basketball beginning in January. Maybe he'll make some friends there. Or maybe it'll be another place where he stands alone.

I feel like I am to blame. I should have signed him up for something in the fall. I should invite church friends over more often, or find out the names of his classmates (I know a couple). I should volunteer in his class so I see what's going on!

Jay feels like he is to blame for moving us around so much the past three years. Which is silly because none of the moves were avoidable.

I don't know exactly what's going on with him...if it's just a transition that will resolve itself or if it's his school or Seth's slight social immaturity (Am I supposed to want him to act older than he is? Because sometimes, like the other day when we were giving his 5th grade neighbor friend, Hunter, a ride home from school, Seth become really goofy and hyper and I could see that Seth was annoying Hunter. Right then, I wanted to explain how to back off and act cool. But then I remember he's EIGHT and should be free to be as nerdy as he wants to be), but I feel like everything is changing all at once.

Seth doesn't feel smart anymore. He's always been bright. Really bright. Now he says he feel like he's in the middle. Which maybe he is. Or maybe his feelings about academics merely parallel his feelings about his lack of friends.

Seth is also getting more and more moody and less able to talk about it. I can see our future - not know what's going through his mind and trying to guess based on the little bits and pieces dropped here and there. Exactly like this.

I'm probably making way too big a deal out of it. And to be clear, it's not like I'm praying for him to be Mr. Popular. I'm totally down with him being a geek. I just want him to have some geeky friends too.

Wanted: Good friends for this top-notch, goofy kid!