Moved

There are several reasons I blog. First, and my main motivator, is that I enjoy it. I really enjoy writing and composing. But I think the greatest reason in the grand scheme of things is that I really do want to record my history, my family history...my childrens' childhoods.

I have realized that I rarely document my feelings regarding spiritual matters. It's not an openness issue. If this isn't your first time reading or know me at all, I'm pretty much an open book. But I hold my feelings regarding my faith a little closer, a little more protected from scorn. I figure the rest is pretty ridiculous. . .laugh away. . . but I would be horrified if my feelings regarding my beliefs were treated with ridicule, levity or sarcasm.

However, I don't want to neglect the history and development of my own personal testimony. I think that it will have a much greater impact on my children if and when they decide to read all of this in the future. I think I would be greatly remiss if I left it out. I've decided to share some of the things that enlightened and moved me yesterday at church.

I admire my friend, Rebecca. I've always thought she can be a little bit hard on herself but she is very talented and one of the most giving people I know. She gave a talk in Sacrament meeting yesterday that was clearly intended for me. She spoke on kindness as a quality of Christ and something I have been lacking lately. Now, it's not as if I've turned into a shrew but my attitude towards others has shifted in a selfish direction. I'll watch people's kids if it helps me out(keeps my kids entertained) or if it's for someone I really like, but rarely offer anymore just to be nice or as an act of service. I'll go to things if I'm going to have a good time but if I'm not going to benefit socially or intellectually, I'll opt out. Never mind the hard work, thought and effort someone might have put into it or even go just to support someone who needs it. I've noticed this trend the most with my kindness levels towards my kids. Rather than showing restraint and control when they make a mess, ignore instructions or whine, I lash out at these gentle, lovable creatures. I don't believe Christ would do any of the above.

Perhaps none of these seem a big deal to some of you. But I know I can do better. I know I have it in me to be kinder, more giving and compassionate. I feel it inside, but sometimes I justify my own inaction with my own stress, schedule or future move (I do this a lot....I'm moving so why get involved, why make a new friend, why care?) But I doubt there is any excuse good enough to justify not being kind. The intermediate hymn following her talk was "How Gentle God's Commands". I was very moved and need to make a greater effort to show kindness to those around me.

In Sunday School and Relief Society, we learned of Christ. Of his earthly life and of his great plan of happiness. The teacher in relief society is a good friend. She was one of my counselors in Primary and has been an example to me since we moved here. She experienced a horrific personal tragedy in 1991. She had her six children in a suburban and fell asleep while driving. She drove into a river and three of her children were killed. It's one of those experiences and stories that make your jaw drop and your eyes water when you hear it. But this family is amazing. She and her husband had three more children and they are so loving, so rooted in the gospel that you can't be helped but moved by her faith and strong belief in eternal families. Seven years ago, she was on a Oprah Winfrey show that was about forgiving ourselves. You know how Oprah shows go. I've never seen that episode but I've heard it was very moving watching her husband completely support and forgive her.

She was teaching on the Plan of Happiness from Elder Nash's talk and Elder Perry's talk this last General Conference. Early on in the lesson, she started to cry and explained that the Oprah Winfrey show had called again and would like to do another episode on forgiveness. She was told that there would be a grandmother on the show that was recently responsible for her grandchild's death and could not forgive herself. They wanted her and her husband on the show again to show how it can be done. She feels that there is a purpose to going on the show. That some good, some lesson, some light can come from her tragedy. But she is so nervous about saying the right thing. She explained that the reason she can be forgiven, forgive herself is because she has a sure knowledge about the Plan of Happiness. . .that she has a sure knowledge of her Saviour who took this pain upon Himself and lifted her and her family's burden. But she knows that because the show is recorded and edited, she has to be careful about how she says it or it'll end up all edited and distorted. She asked for prayers of support to help her say the right thing and use this opportunity to speak to millions about the gospel of Jesus Christ for good. Otherwise, as she said, "What is the point?"

While I've experienced nothing close to her personal tragedy, I have felt the miracle of forgiveness. It is powerful and overwhelming and I can't deny it. I know that the peace I receive when I pray for relief does not come from my own mind or reasoning. My burdens are lifted because Christ suffered for me. I believe that with all of my heart.

I feel this is right to share. I hope I have shared it properly. It is an awkward thing to put down in words because it feels bigger than a sentence, a paragraph....a blog post. I'm praying for my friend and thankful for her willingness to share.