What Goes Up Must Come Down

As soon as I entered the grocery side doors of Walmart, I saw her.  She didn’t see me, though, and I had this bizarre debate with myself if I should push my cart towards her and say, “hi,”  or just walk straight ahead without acknowledging her at all.


“If you don’t say anything, she won’t see you and you won’t feel bad about not being at her gym since May.”

“Besides, she might not even remember you.  You are just one of hundreds of people she has worked with.”

“Of course she’ll remember you.  You look exactly like you did every single morning for four straight months.  No make up.  Hair in a pony tail.  Stretchy pants.  It’s like no time has passed at all!”

Except for my baby in his carseat.  And the nine months I have fallen out of her lycra pants and Bosu ball filled world.

I made my move and called out.

“Kim!”

She looked at me and immediately came over for a hug.  We both expressed the sentiments of thinking about each other lately and she fawned all over Daniel.  She remembered the last time I had met with her, when I was so tired and nauseated and depressed that I sat down in the middle of our workout  and cried and she told me everything would be o.k.  That she would help me stay healthy and fit during my pregnancy so that everything we had done together wouldn’t be undone.  She looked at me with concern and asked how I was.

“I’m great.  Really.  He’s a great baby and I’m really happy.  Truly.  I can’t wait to start working out with you again.  Do you have any availability for me right now?”

She said she had a few spots open and to text her and she was so excited to see me and know that I and the baby are healthy and happy and then we parted.

As I weaved my way through the throngs of Saturday shoppers, I felt embarrassed.  For how I looked (hello mom stereotype).  For gaining so much weight back.  For quitting.  It almost felt like running into an old boyfriend and I wished I had at least worn jeans and eyeliner so she wouldn't think I had completely given up.

I’m not sure why, exactly, because everything I said to her was true.  I love having Daniel.  I am so happy he’s here.  I do want to start working with her again.

But, I also know that she knows that I didn’t stay healthy and fit during my pregnancy.  I know that she knows that it’s not going to be easy to undo all the months of eating whatever I felt like and the muscle atrophy from so much sitting.  I wish I had done things differently.  I know I always feel like this after my pregnancies when the hormones and chemicals that make me crazy and sad go away but, man, I was in a weight-loss zone working with Kim and I’m overwhelmed just thinking about what I need to do in order to recreate that personal environment once more.   I have to overhaul my life again.  I need to carve out exercise time and make it a daily priority but, this time, protect my winter-born infant from gym day-care germs and fit workouts sometime between the approximately five hours a day I spend nursing, burping, holding and rocking him.  I also need to stop eating crap and embrace the twice daily meal of salad with oil and vinegar dressing that doesn’t appeal to me nearly as much as the Carne Asada burrito at Zia.

My mother counsels me to just start doing something....anything.  Walking.  Crunches in my living room. And I know!  I know, I know, I know.  The problem is this:  I’ve always known.  It’s that leap between knowing and doing that always holds me back.

I’ve made that leap before and I know I can do it again.  I’m not interested in having the kind of body that people post alongside motivational quotes on Pinterest.  I have zero aspiration for a gym model muscly body with an obvious boob job.  My goals are much less showy: fitting into a plane seat with no stranger thigh touching, buying off the rack, having the confidence to try things without worrying if I’m too heavy for them (zip lining?).  I never plan on wearing a bikini or short shorts and a tank top.  Healthy and strong, right?

Unfortunately for me, getting healthy and strong isn’t automatic.  It’s a daily decision that doesn’t come naturally to me.  So, it’s going to be hard - even harder than last time because of the things I’ve already mentioned.  I read through all of my old biggest loser posts and felt so motivated but I also felt frustrated reading about what I attributed to my past success, because many of those things are impossible right now (early morning workouts, being in a controlled program, going to several classes back to back).  Still,  I also know it’s not going to happen sitting here eating valentine candy.

Maybe it’s going to be just personal training with Kim once a week.  Maybe I’ll get in a few classes here and there when Jay or my mother-in-law can watch Daniel.   Whatever I can do, I should do.

Leaping.....now.