If You Can't Say Something Nice....

All together now....."Don't say anything at all."

Words to live by.  Or are they?

Someone left a rude comment on one of my book reviews on Goodreads this morning.  As soon as the notification popped up on my iPhone, I grimaced because it's one of my reviews that occasionally motivates other readers to pick fights.  This only happens, I should add, on reviews of books I rate one or two stars.

Sure enough, I opened the link and some random person basically said I suck not only as a reviewer of books but also as a human being because I hated that particular book.  Worse, all she had to write was that she agreed with the previous two commenters because they had already said so.  Nice.

Very rarely do I respond although I have before and it is oddly unsatisfying.  Sort of like that late comeback that falls on absent ears.  Who knows if these commenters even get it?  I've never had anybody return for more of a tussle.  Did you have any idea that the world of book reviews could be so gansta?

I felt annoyed and bothered for a while.  Why do people feel the need to go out of their way to say something unkind?  It's not like I write a review with the purpose of persuading others to agree with me. I don't care.  Even if these people love this book - use it as their own personal bible or life coach - does attacking those of us with different views excuse, what I consider, bad behavior?

At first, my obvious answer was no.  Never!  It's not nice, especially when directed at me.  Then I started looking at my own behavior.

My review is pretty negative.  I was trying to make the point that I did not like this book so highlighted many features of the book, including plot, characters, and pace that I found flawed and dumb.  I feel like I am rarely at either polar end when reacting to a book I've read but if I can gush from time to time about something I loved, is it not more honest to rant should I feel so inclined?  Still, at a minimum, I was unkind to the author.

Of course, I'm as guilty as anybody to thinking someone who doesn't like a book I love is kind of an idiot.  Well...maybe not an idiot but definitely somebody who doesn't get it like I do.  But, I never, ever leave a comment either verbally or written telling them so.  Does that make me more kind or just less honest?

Just yesterday, while reading a different book, the author wrote in response to some unsolicited advice someone gave him, "Keep your opinions to yourself!"  I frequently think that.  But, where would be if everyone kept their own opinions?  Relegated to only studying math and science?

Years and years ago, in a long forgotten blogging era when comments were king, I left a less than kind comment on a blog written by someone I didn't know very well but whose post about someone's body felt mean spirited to me.  I said so, that person felt attacked, probably rightly so, and extinguished me from her world.  Putting the shoe on the other foot, as the saying goes, maybe I was that rude commenter who didn't need to say anything.  Just because someone's opinion is different from ours doesn't make them wrong.  I didn't like a book.  She didn't like someone's choice of clothing.  Should we keep our opinions to ourselves?  By the way, I would never leave a comment like that now.  As much as I once enjoyed the social and cultural product that stemmed from blogging, I now see it as something much more personal.

I honestly don't know what the right answer is concerning comments, opinions and sharing.  It seems a pretty boring world where none share opinions about anything but pleasant things.  Tell me what you think, but remember....if you can't say something nice....

Kidding.  I will try very hard not to take anything personally.

I hope this makes sense.  It was written in spurts over the course of a day.  I have tried editing it but am publishing it because I'm not writing for a fancy journal or a grade.  No judging!!!

A Family of Six

I think it's funny how before my pregnancy with Daniel, Jay and I never really discussed or celebrated the nature and size of our family of five.  Sure, there were times when I said things like, "My three sons," and we certainly said out loud more than once, "I feel complete." But, never with the preface of "For the record" and never accompanied with purchases as proof. (edited to correct that there was one purchase.  Jay's truck only seats five.  It is a bummer).

This past gift-giving season seems to have motivated both of us to be a bit more clear in our communication.  I've previously posted about the beautiful mother's necklace Jay purchased for me bejeweled with the four birth stones of our children.  Well, it came late, but one of my Christmas gifts to him was a large mural to be hung on a main wall of our home declaring the size of our family tree.  Likewise,  another Christmas present Jay found for me is a soapstone structure he thought I'd like of two parents and four children.

I blotted out our last name for online safety.  That wouldn't look very good, would it?

I love this

As a romantic, I think we were both trying to tell each other, "I love our family!"  But, I also wonder if there wasn't also some unconscious desire on both our part to let the other know, "This is it.  We are a family of six."  And now, we've got the necklace, art and sculpture to keep us honest.

Book Review #2 - The Sense of An Ending

I don't know if Julian Barnes meant his title to be ironic but his ending for this book made no sense to me.  Again, maybe that was on purpose.  As a literary tool, endings can lift, resolve, change and ruin the story that preceded it.  And, as authors must both find a relief and burden, all books must end.  What's the best way to do that?

At first, I thought Barnes's The Sense of An Ending would have an ending as philosophically self evident as its narrator, Tony, repeatedly declared and quoted was the only realistic possibility of any history, that is "the certainty produced at the point where the imperfections of memory meet the inadequacies of documentation."  As Tony discovered throughout his attempts at nostalgia and navel gazing, memories of which he was certain changed with additional witnesses.  Moreover, memories long since forgotten were remembered with new cues and triggers never before considered. As an unapologetic gazer myself, I found the idea that our histories - whether it is our personal, national, or worlds' -  can't possibly be unbiased or thoroughly remembered both profound and accurate.

Then came the ending.  What I thought was philosophy was actually a semi-detective novel in disguise and its ta-da revelation finale ruined everything.  As The Sense of An Ending won the Man Booker Prize, I have no doubt that many more educated than I can explain how this blind sided and frustrating reveal not only needed to happen but was actually developed and obvious the entire time, only obstructed by Tony's own need for redemption, but I really wish it simply had a different ending.  I honestly would have been more satisfied with his old girlfriend, Veronica, saying, "You really don't get it.  You never have and you never will," one more time (although twice seemed like enough) and it just... ending.  With us not getting it.  I thought that would have been perfectly poetic and fitting with his painstaking defense of the weakness of memory.  But that was not Julian Barnes's sense of an ending.  See? Is it a play on the title after all?

This kind of book leaves me at a loss for rating or recommendation because while I ultimately found it unsatisfying and quite ruined by the ending, the writing was eye candy there were so many lovely quotes to enjoy.  Those discoveries are worth the reading effort, I believe.  Here are some of my favorites:

“How often do we tell our own life story? How often do we adjust, embellish, make sly cuts? And the longer life goes on, the fewer are those around to challenge our account, to remind us that our life is not our life, merely the story we have told about our life. Told to others, but—mainly—to ourselves.” 

“We live in time - it holds us and molds us - but I never felt I understood it very well. And I'm not referring to theories about how it bends and doubles back, or may exist elsewhere in parallel versions. No, I mean ordinary, everyday time, which clocks and watches assure us passes regularly: tick-tock, click-clock. Is there anything more plausible than a second hand? And yet it takes only the smallest pleasure or pain to teach us time's malleability. Some emotions speed it up, others slow it down; occasionally, it seems to go missing - until the eventual point when it really does go missing, never to return.” 

“This was another of our fears: that Life wouldn't turn out to be like Literature.”

“What you end up remembering isn't always the same as what you have witnessed.”

“Also, when you are young, you think you can predict the likely pains and bleaknesses that age might bring. You imagine yourself being lonely, divorced, widowed; children growing away from you, friends dying. You imagine the loss of status, the loss of desire – and desirability. You may go further and consider your own approaching death, which, despite what company you may muster, can only be faced alone. But all this is looking ahead. What you fail to do is look ahead, and then imagine yourself looking back from the future point. Learning the new emotions that time brings. Discovering, for example, that as the witnesses to your life diminish, there is less corroboration, and therefore less certainty, as to what you are or have been. Even if you have assiduously kept records – in words, sound, pictures – you may find that you have attended to the wrong kind of record-keeping. What was the line Adrian used to quote? 'History is that certainty produced at the point where the imperfections of memory meet the inadequacies of documentation.” 

“Does character develop over time? In novels, of course it does: otherwise there wouldn't be much of a story. But in life? I sometimes wonder. Our attitudes and opinions change, we develop new habits and eccentricities; but that's something different, more like decoration. Perhaps character resembles intelligence, except that character peaks a little later: between twenty and thirty, say. And after that, we're just stuck with what we've got. We're on our own. If so, that would explain a lot of lives, wouldn't it? And also - if this isn't too grand a word - our tragedy.” 

“Yes, of course we were pretentious -- what else is youth for?” 

“That's one of the central problems of history, isn't it, sir? The question of subjective versus objective interpretation, the fact that we need to know the history of the historian in order to understand the version that is being put in front of us.” 

“But I’ve been turning over in my mind the question of nostalgia, and whether I suffer from it. I certainly don’t get soggy at the memory of some childhood knickknack; nor do I want to deceive myself sentimentally about something that wasn’t even true at the time—love of the old school, and so on. But if nostalgia means the powerful recollection of strong emotions—and a regret that such feelings are no longer present in our lives—then I plead guilty.”

“What did I know of life, I who had lived so carefully? Who had neither won nor lost, but just let life happen to him? Who had the usual ambitions and settled all too quickly for them not being realised? Who avoided being hurt and called it a capacity for survival? Who paid his bills, stayed on good terms with everyone as far as possible, for whom ecstasy and despair soon became just words once read in novels? One whose self-rebukes never really inflicted pain? Well, there was all this to reflect upon, while I endured a special kind of remorse: a hurt inflicted at long last on one who always thought he knew how to avoid being hurt - and inflicted for precisely that reason.” 

“You can put it another way, of course; you always can.” 

I adore that last one.  Actually, I do want you to read this book and tell me if I'm crazy about the ending.  Because how can those incredible quotes come from a book that I do not love????

12 of 12 For Dummies

For years, I have watched my photography blessed friends create these 12 of 12 photo frames on the 12th of every month.  In particular, my good friend, Amy Gretchen, encourages bloggers everywhere to capture their every day and share it through photography.  Of course, it all looks more beautiful when you are as gifted an artist as she is, but I also think there is beauty in the idea of a collage of snapshots.  It's not like there is a reason for taking a picture or an occasion to document.  Just...life.

I have not participated in the past because I haven't been able to figure out how to display my photos in the appropriate frame.  Amy gives detailed instructions on her blog using Adobe Photoshop and I used to own Elements but now use a Mac and haven't purchased new software (I never really knew how to use it anyways) and tried to follow her technical writing. Unfortunately,  I'm more of a visual learner.  Actually, I'm more of a can-you-sit-by-my-side-and-walk-me-through-it type learner.  Needless to say, I still haven't figured out how to do it.

I am not to be deterred by my ineptitude this year, however.  Twelve pictures are twelve pictures and it is the twelfth of January and I'm going to participate, albeit in my own, rudimentary way.  Here is my 12 of 12...Lucy style.

The day begins with video games.  After going, going, going all week long, I'm kind of a pushover on Saturday mornings and I woke up to find Sam playing NCAA football.  Piano practice and chores still got done.  Only later.

Daniel's new funny face.  He furrows his brow and looks very inquisitive.  I think he's trying to be funny because he always breaks out into a smile afterward.

The boys laundry.  I put Daniel's away, but make the boys put away their own clothes, even though it usually means clean clothes on the floor for Seth and Henry.  Sam always puts his away.  

I think I've got Henry junior on my hands.  This is what Daniel got into while I wasn't paying attention.  

Once I started picking up, I couldn't stop.  I love a clean kitchen.

Running loose in Office Depot while I made copies of new music to learn in ward choir tomorrow.  I never did get him dressed today.  The other boys went skiing and we stayed warm and comfy.

Yuck.  An evil necessity of my life.

Chinese food for dinner.

Jay, overtired from skiing while sick, follows through on his promise to help Henry build his paper ship he got for his birthday.

Snuggling before bed.  This is the only bottle he gets now and he relishes it.  Yeah...didn't do the hair today. 

Watched this with the boys

Tried to keep warm.  It's below zero now.

2012 Year In Review

1.  What did you do in 2012 that you've never done before?

I saw Venus pass in front of the sun on June 5th through a telescope some stranger had set up near the beach while we visited California.  They say we won't see Venus crossing the sun's surface again until 2117 so not only was that something I have never done before, but is something I won't ever do again!

This is exactly how it looked in the telescope that I used.

I also spent a week a Taos in a ski-in/ski-out condo during the February winter break.  Very posh and fun!

2.  Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I resolved to blog more and I did.  I had 177 blog entries in 2012 compared to only 83 in 2011.  I hope to have even more in 2013.  46 of those entries were book reviews, which kind of sounds like cheating, except it isn't because they get me writing.   There are 13 books from 2012 I didn't write about which brings me to my 2013 resolution - to write a book review no later than 2 days after reading it.  And, I guess I will again mention my resolve to know as little as possible about the Khardashian family.  I like to reach for the stars!

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?  

Yes. Two of my sisters-in-law gave birth and I have a beautiful niece and handsome nephew as future playmates and best-buddy cousins for Daniel.

Abigail Paige is Jay's sister, Kelly, and husband Jerry's fourth child and third girl.

Quinn Clark is Jay's brother, Clark, and wife Stephanie's third son in another family of all boys!

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

My aunt Marie, my mom's sister, died on May 30th, exactly a year after their brother died.  My mom is now the last of her childhood family alive.  I was glad to be able to attend her funeral in California.

5.  What countries did you visit?  

None.  Sob.  Remedying that this year!

6.  What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

This will sound materialistic because I know I should answer, "regular scripture study" or "an exercise habit" but I'm feeling itchy for things around the house.  I think of the long, long list of things I'd like for the house in 2013 that I lacked in 2012, I will say grass in the back yard.  With a toddler and all of this land, I'd really like him to be able to play outside without falling down into prickly weeds and dirt.  I know we won't be able to undergo my ultimate landscaping wishes, but a lawn...for Daniel and the boys to play soccer on is my goal.

7.  What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory and why?  

February 5th, 2012 Daniel P. was given a name and a blessing for the records in our church.

I think due to the memories and the memory book I made, I will remember July 19 - 21st because of our family reunion in Montana.

8.  What was your biggest personal achievement of the year?

Nursing for 8 months.  I've never made it that long before and even though I didn't love it, I appreciate the health and bonding it provided for Daniel.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

Not being able to stay in Young Women's.  I never wrote about this but I basically asked to be released.  Jay got called to be the scoutmaster and the two months that we overlapped were so stressful and anxiety ridden for me.  After assuring them that I was fine and could manage, the bishop and his counselors told me to let them know how I was doing and to inform them if I ever felt like it was too  much for our family and one day, I had this total breakdown.  Everything just went wrong and I felt like that debacle of a day - with transportation issues and activities and food and baby - was the answer I had ignored.  It was too much.  I feel at peace with how things have gone since and think the Young Women have a better presidency and situation now but there is guilt in knowing I could not do it.

Making Venetian masks at an overnight activity at my house.

10.  Did you suffer injury or illness?

No.  I am and have been blessedly healthy.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?

This is probably a stretch because it is so random, but I'm always a little depressed about my lack of home decor and color.  This obviously doesn't translate into decorating but, this spring, Sarah helped me paint one bedroom for Daniel and I put an owl decal on his wall and, every night, I enjoy being in that room.  I love that owl decal.

Hoot.

12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?

Jay's parents finished three years of serving as Monticello Temple president and matron.  They also had their 50th wedding anniversary.  Both worry of celebration but celebrating has been postponed until April.  Seven children with families are hard to gather!

Jay finished his tenth marathon this summer in Denver.  He ran an earlier one in Shiprock, New Mexico.  I didn't go to Denver and I missed his finish but there is no doubt that I think this man is amazing.

Seth turned 12 and was ordained a deacon.  He passes the sacrament with decorum and reverence and holds his office and responsibilities well.

Sam definitely made me proud when he was award the best sportsman award at BYU football camp for his honesty.  He likes sports as much if not more as any other nine year-old boy but when it looked like he made a touchdown for his team at the very end of camp on the very last day but admitted that he was short of the line when asked, I celebrated his integrity.

Henry finished his first Boulder Bolder!  Both Seth and Sam first did the race at age 6 and I was nervous for Henry to do it.  He's just not as mature at 6 as either of his older brothers.  Still, Jay encouraged him to do it and after his own race, did the entire race with Henry.  They both merit celebration!

And, of course, Daniel for learning how to sit up, crawl, stand-up, eat, sleep through the night, walk, clap, come down stairs, ride a horse.....it's been a big year for him!

Giddyup cowboys!

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I was so sad on December 14th when 26 innocent victims were murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary school in Connecticut.  20 children aged 6 or 7.  Henry's age.  So many tears.

14.  Where did most of your money go?

Taxes, Henry's medical bills (surgery and dental work), 10 more acres, home repair (driveway and never ending hot tub repair) and a new barn.

Not even watching movies would distract Henry from people working in his mouth.  He eventually needed sedation for his crowns and cavities to be filled.

It was nice when it became operational again in October but I am loving it on on these dark, starry, cold  winter nights.  

15.  What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed watching Seth run.  All the boys have played sports all year and I support them and go to their games and meets but my internal excitement was revved way up watching Seth run.  This is odd because, if I'm honest, I don't really enjoy sitting through all of their sporting events.  I like that they are having fun but I'm always grateful when we can leave.  I was still always grateful to leave, but I got excited about those cross-country meets.  I felt nervous before they began and my stomach did little flip flops during the race as I tried to spot Seth and I got really loud at the end when he'd always put his body in another gear and pass runners at the finish.  I've really tried to evaluate my response and I think it's because he's good but I know he's going to be great.  It's the perfect sport for his lithe body.  It'll probably never be more exciting to him than basketball but I hope, like his father, he eventually recognizes his innate talent for running.

There was a false start and Seth went down (I guess this is a danger at cross country races).  His elbow was pretty beaten up and he was crying by the time he got to where we were on the course but Jay told him to buck up and he finished and did his usual passing of people at the end.

16.  What song will always remind you of 2012?

I know "Somebody You Used to Know" by Gotye was the most played song of 2012 and I definitely like that one but Carly Rae Jeppsen's "Call Me Maybe" will bring back summer and the London Olympics and all of the sing-a-longs in the car with my boys.

17.  Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a) sadder.  Not every day but this has been a stressful year for me spiritual, emotionally and physically.  
b) fatter.  I know!  How can that be when this time last year you had a two week old!  It's called falling back into old habits and blaming having a baby on eating crap and not exercising.
c) the same.  Will probably be poorer though with Obama as president and the new tax code, not to mention the hit healthcare and doctors will take with Obamacare enacted.

And thus you see part of the reason for my answer for subquestion "a".

18.  What do you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I'd done more with friends.  I see a reclusiveness sneakily becoming my new comfort zone and I have to constantly remind myself that I feel energized and happy when I make the effort to be a friend.  I also wish I had served more - at the temple, in my calling, for my family, at my kids' schools.  I'm just not a joiner or participator anymore.

19.  What do you wish you'd done less of?

Oh, let's see.  I wish I'd eaten less sugar.

20.  Did you fall in love in 2012?

No.

21.  What was your favorite TV program?

Stuck with my usuals: Amazing Race and SYTYCD.  I was annoyed that the goat farmers won, because they were idiots most of the time, but happy that Chehon and Eliana both won because they were exquisite dancers.

22.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Not anyone but I have gotten off Facebook.  With the election this year, I found myself unnecessarily annoyed a lot of the time and realized that I don't need to know so much about so many.

23.  What was the best book you read?

My favorite read of 2012 was Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walters.  It's too difficult to explain why in one sentence but it struck a personal chord for me.  2012 was a great reading year.  I loved and would recommend Where'd You Go, Bernadette? (women's fiction, humor) by Maria Semple,  Tell The Wolves I'm Home (literary fiction, YA) by Carol Rifka Brunt, State of Wonder  (literary fiction, adventure) by Ann Patchett, Between Shades of Gray (historical fiction, YA) by Ruta Sepetys, Ready Player One (science fiction, fantasy, adventure) by Ernest Cline, Wonder (juvenile fiction) by R.J. Palacio, Edenbrooke (historical fiction, romance)  by Julianne Donaldson, Defending Jacob (mystery, thriller, legal) by William Landay, The Fault In Our Stars (death, YA) by John Green, Faith (literary fiction, religion, drama) by Jennifer Haigh, Delicacy (fiction, cultural, romance) by David Foenkinos, Major Pettigrew's Last Stand (british fiction, humor, romance), by Helen Simonson,  Steve Jobs (non-fiction, biography) by Walter Isaacson, Code Name Verity (historical fiction, YA, mystery) by Elizabeth Wein, Hannah's Dream (literary fiction, animals) by Diane Hammond, and Vaclav and Lena (literary fiction, YA, cultural) by Haley Tanner.  I am surprised by the number of YA books I loved and am recommending.  I would not consider this a favorite genre.  Hmmmm....

24.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

Probably that I could happily listen to Pandora and not buy music that I like but, with repetition, usually quickly tire of.  Still, I love the Killers new Battle Born album,  Imagine Dragons, and the Civil Wars.  Great harmonies.

25.  What did you want and get?

I didn't even know I wanted it but we got a barn!  It's still being built but the steers that the boys are raising for 4-H will be conveniently nearby and, hopefully, easier for the boys to work with.  I think having them here vs. at Jay's dad will allow Jay to be home more and thus a win for me!

26.  What did you want and not get?

The van is still chugging along but is getting old and high in miles.  After much research, I've decided I want a Toyota Sequoia for my next car and thought I'd get it for the winter season this year.  But, they are pricey, even used.  Still looking and saving.   Oh, and I was on the phone earlier this year with an Ethan Allen guy, about to purchase a Franklin chair-and-a-half when Jay texted me about closing costs for the front 10 acres we purchased.  I decided to wait and it was a good thing I did because vacant land loans require a lot down and we needed every penny to close.  By the time I had the savings again, Ethan Allen discontinued the chair and I can no longer get it.  Tragic.  Not really, but, you know.

I had it all ready to go in this rusty chenille fabric.  Looks comfy, huh?  I could have read so many books in this.  Why would a company discontinue this beautifully designed chair?

27.  What was your favorite film of this year?

My favorite was probably Les Miserables, because how can you not love that story regardless of the caliber of the singing, but I enjoyed Lincoln almost just as much.  I also really, really liked Argo, though I almost got an ulcer from being so tense while watching it.  Don't know when it came out in theaters but just watched Pitch Perfect on DVD and can't remember when I have laughed so hard in a movie.

Pretty much cried non stop after the bishop gave Jean Valjean the candlesticks and he had to decide what kind of man he was going to be.  Mercy, justice - that's good stuff!

I googled "eponine" to get an image of this actress's tiny waist because everytime she was on screen, that thought came to my mind.  I can see by this image I found that I was not the only one thinking that.

28.  What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

My birthday fell during fair again this year.  I turned 37 and spent the day with my sister, Sarah, who came to make sure the entire day wasn't spent sitting next to piles of manure.

I did get a pedicure

but most of the day was spent looking at the backside of steers.

29.  What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Immeasurably?  I feel so cliched but had I been able to not only take the baby weight off but really make the kind of lifestyle change I need to make to lose all the weight I need to lose, I think that would be very satisfying.  But I'm pretty certain I'd be able to measure that kind of satisfaction.

30.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept for 2012?

I did buy a lot of clothes this year.  More than usual.  After spending most of 2011 in maternity clothes and realizing the things I bought after losing weight that year didn't fit, I tried to update my look without looking too trendy.  I ventured from my usual brown, grey and black and bought more color.  Shirts in my favorite 3/4 length sleeve and pants or capris.  Definitely less skirts than last year and I even bought some color "skinny" jeans (only meaning they taper at the leg.  They are definitely not skinny).

31.  What kept you sane?

Trips to look forward to and so many people offering to help with Daniel. It was quite a transition to having a baby again.  Some things came back easily and some things did not.  Also, lots of time with my siblings (we basically had 3 family reunions this year!)

Maureen gets two pictures because she has been Daniel's second mom.  

And that's just a handful of the helpers!