Daily Gratitude - Day 16

Ward Conference was today and the talks all focused on the importance missionary work. I listened obligingly but it didn’t pierce my heart until the counselor in the stake presidency started talking about how he’s noticed throughout the years that when he makes a concerted effort to improve a quantifiable statistic, like missionary work or home teaching, by emphasizing its importance and our responsibilities to perform it, the numbers usually go down. That caught my interest. I admit I was tuning out before because...well...I’ve heard it all before. And I still have never been a great missionary or visiting teacher. This guy was going to to explain to me why he thought that was.

What he went on to say was not new. I’ve heard it all before as well. But I had a the-wicked-taketh-the-truth-to-be-hard moment when he suggested that true conversion needs to take place before we can expect the motivation to share the gospel and help others as Christ did. Am I not converted?

I thought I was. I think I am. So, why don’t I devote my life to sharing the gospel - both with the members of my ward I have stewardship to serve and with my friends and community? I’ve been trying to come up with a satisfying answer the entire day. I don’t know. I know I’ve said before that I lack the activist gene and while that is definitely true, I never feel compelled to convince someone else that what I think is right is what they should think is right, it is a weak defense. I’ve never invited anyone to church with me. I think I’ve given a copy of the Book of Mormon to one friend in my entire life. Anytime the missionaries ask me for the name of a friend, I say no names come to mind.  And it’s true.

And yet, anyone who knows me knows what religion I am. I go to bookclub and I don’t drink the wine and I don’t swear and I answer the inevitable questions about mormons that come so I think I’m being a good member of the church and setting a good example. If only that were enough. I am definitely one of those that hopes that someone will know me....respect me and my lifestyle...and want to take the missionary discussions. I swear I hear these conversion stories all of the time and I wonder, “Why doesn’t this happen to any of my friends? Is it me?”

After that talk, I’m thinking it’s me. So, I’ve got some work to do. On my own conversion. Or something.

Tonight, we fed the sister missionaries dinner. They are awkward and I admit I dread the appointment a bit but after they left my home tonight, I had an about face. These two young women (I think they are both only 20) are spending 75 percent of their work day knocking on doors in an attempt to find the people whose souls yearn to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ. Most people don’t yearn or aren’t ready to yearn yet.  I know that’s part of the reason I’m hesitant to share what I believe.  I’m so certain that everyone I know is fine and happy with their own beliefs. After all, I am. But these missionaries have committed 18 months of their young lives to share the gospel.  I envy them their singular focus.

I want to be converted. I want the Lord to know that I am. I want to be an instrument in blessing the lives of others. In the meantime, I’m grateful for the missionaries who work and serve and take up the slack in my own effort.