Just One Time

It makes me incredibly sad that I don’t blog anymore. Even more sad, I don’t even think about it daily anymore. Every so often, I will compose or organize thoughts in my head like I used to in a sort of pre-blog-prep but it doesn’t get typed and, just like any habit, it is weakening to the point of death. I think, “I’ll just make it public again,” as if that is the reason I no longer blog. I don’t think that’s the reason, exactly, although I do think it contributes, but I can’t really resolve that decision with the one that made me go private in the first place: to keep my kids safe against what I perceived as a cyber threat.

But, I have one day left in February and I’ve never, in 7 years of blogging, had an entire month go by without a number in a parenthesis beside it. So, here are a few things I’ve been thinking about recently. They aren’t necessarily light or deep or well thought out.


1. I really dislike parenting. I totally get the horror of the statement and the blasphemy against my most sacred calling, motherhood, but it’s the truth. I like my kids. I love them as humans and as part of my family and as little people learning and as future adults and I get the responsibility of what I do so I do it but it is so heavy. The constant stress of my most menial tasks in keeping them alive and happy combined with the heavy burden of teaching them to have faith and to understand the great Plan of Salvation and their role in it is often more than I want or think I am capable of doing well. Honestly, I have had this conversation with several people now, but it has really made me question whether I am capable of celestial glory if parenting, and dealing with “children” for eternity is what is my potential future. I might make a better ministering angel. I don’t know. I obviously don’t have all the light and knowledge but having billions of spirit children and having all of them have major issues to deal with seems above my eternal skill level. This obviously deserves a bit more than a paragraph and maybe I’ll come back and address it in fuller thought and reason in the future but it’s been on my mind a lot lately so I thought I’d jot it down.

2. For the past two years, I have used Instagram as pure social media. I hated how bloated Facebook became so I didn’t seek out acquaintances (i.e. high school classmates, local people I see every once in a while or even former cyber friends that I have distanced myself from) via Instagram and tried to keep it to people who actually interacted with me. That hasn’t always worked and I probably need to get rid of a few more “friends” because I really dislike feeling irritated by such an optional and supposedly social activity. What I really didn’t understand was following people I didn’t know. I am not on Twitter and can’t/don’t/don’t want to see the lure of being bombarded with messages or paraphernalia from more famous people. Then I started following 2 artists whose art spoke to me. I didn’t know them but I wanted to see their pictures. Then I started following BOM365 which is an account that posts some scriptures everyday and then asks a question or two about the verses read and then people comment and it’s like being in a good gospel doctrine class every day. I really enjoy it (minus the comments written by people who overuse the all caps feature. It’s effective every once in a while but when you start using it ALL the TIME IT GETS OLD. Plus, I feel like they are yelling at me even though I know they are trying to use emphasis. I try to be forgiving). Then, I found some accounts where people post pics and recipes of their clean meals and since this is my greatest desire this year - to find a way to eat that helps me lose this gross weight - I am willing to put up with their non-food pics too. I also started following a woman who has lost 100 pounds in one year. Is it odd how much stress I feel being one of many followers to someone I do not know? It feels like idol worship. It seems so silly but I hate being a fan of anything but particularly of anybody. So, I choose to think of it as discovering interesting information and hopefully the shame will lessen.

3. That’s all I have right now. Jay just got home and Daniel is messy and my brain just went “POOF!” (yes in all caps. It was that dramatic). So, here you go, February. One post. Oh…wait. I am learning Spanish! How’s that for new and exciting? I do prefer the french language but I just started with this Duolingo App on my phone and it makes me feel productive when I’m sitting in a car and use my phone to pass the time. Yeah…that’s all I got. I’ll leave you with this sentence in spanish. Yo no corro entre enero y dieciembre. Ha ha. Maybe my new instagram “friends” will change that.