I can't. There are not enough words to describe the gauntlet of emotions that have been mine this past week. I am functioning but coherence in written format is out of the question.
There's a chance that statement is tinged with my flair for dramatics but I've tried to write something all day, and I just keep deleting everything I type. It's not coming out.
But, I'm still here. I'm fine. My eleven year old can't stand me most of the time, but its good. I'm the parent, right? Not the child beginning puberty who is most likely confused by new emotions and all the changes that are going on both seen and unseen in his body. Knowing that should make a difference. My feelings shouldn't be hurt. My heart shouldn't be heavy with disappointment while he defiantly sluffs off his responsibilities or when I discover a note not intended for his mother's eyes. And I definitely shouldn't feel angry that I have no clue what I'm doing and wondering what in tarnation Heavenly Father was thinking sending me children to raise.
It's not always bad but tonight it was. Yesterday too. Saturday had mostly good moments but I thought I'd just enjoy the surprising truce instead of blogging about it. Friday was ok but probably only because my expectations are lower at the start of the weekend. Thursday was bad. Wednesday was downright awful. I could only cope by putting headphones in while I read in an attempt to keep myself from shouting. Tuesday was bad. And Monday was so wonderful, it makes all the other days even worse. Because I know it's possible to have a really great day together (it was his birthday).
I feel like he is much too young to already be going through this hormonal change but I can't think of another explanation - at least one that doesn't totally freak me out. So, I'm going to try and be cool. I'm going to pray a lot harder, read and study a lot more diligently and hopefully, hopefully, emerge from this terrifying fog of change a better mother with a loving and intact relationship with my son.
Monday, April 18, 2011
I'd Blog But....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
14 comments:
All my empathy! When I tried to say my prayers last night all I could make come out was "I need help raising these boys." And so I said it 10 times and cried myself to sleep.
And I'm pretty sure they haven't scratched the surface of the booger I was when I was their age. Makes me love my parents that much more.
Oh Lucy...hang in there, puberty doesn't last forever, just a long time. I still have the note Cali hung "Mom for sale" and she wasn't joking, and when Abe confessed some of the names he called me behind my back I was floored.
This is a classic mother emotion and you put words to it so well: "And I definitely shouldn't feel angry that I have no clue what I'm doing and wondering what in tarnation Heavenly Father was thinking sending me children to raise." Thank you.
Yup.
Sorry you are having to deal with this already. I hope you get something figured out. Love you all!
if you could've peeked in to my living room last night (or really any night this past month), you would have seen a similar scene. woah! who woulda thought pre-adolescent BOYS could be so... so...
i don't even have the words.
then again, maybe some things are better left unsaid. enjoy the good moments! you're doing great work here ;)
Oh, man! I feel for you! I don't have teenagers yet, but I am so NOT looking forward to that transition. I still understand, though, the feeling that parenting is much too difficult sometimes and that I never should have signed up for the job!! I hope things even themselves out for you guys and that you can develop an even stronger relationship together despite the trying stage of adolescence. Hang in there!
You are an awesome mom Lucy. I wish I had some good words of advice. I remember my toughet years being 12-14...maybe he will just bust through this quickly and you can both move forward. Big hugs to you, my mom role model!
It's so, SO hard this parenting thing! Life has never been, nor will ever be, easy with my oldest. Teaching him how to be socially acceptable while learning to accept him myself is a daily balancing act I'm not sure I'll ever master. I often wonder if my deep love for him is masked by the frustration he must frequently sense from me.
But just this morning as I dropped him off at school and watched him walk away from me, I was, quite out of the blue, reminded of a very difficult phase we waded through several years ago. I couldn't help but feel gratitude that although every day may be a struggle for us, that particularly trying time did pass. More peaceful days really did wait beyond those clouds. It made me grateful for today.
Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Darn it, that was me!
Lucy, all I can say is...it is just HARD. Especially your first, because you've never experienced it before. Up until now it's just been normal kid stuff. Now the rollercoaster starts and it is SOOOOO painful sometimes. You wonder what the hey happened to your kid, the one you knew and loved and raised and nurtured for so long. GAH! Those first few times when they glare and give you the serious attitude or are just downright mean...it is painful. There have been SO many days when I have longed for the easy life of having three kids under the age of five, with two in diapers and everyone needy and demanding because at least then there was the reprieve of their sweetness. There's not a lot of sweetness in the teenage experience.
BUT! If you can hold on, good moments do come. It is awkward and painful and sometimes demoralizing but every once in awhile you remember just how much you love this person despite all the prickles.
Big hugs. That's all I got, sistah!
so sorry! I don't have kids that age yet, but I remember how I was when I was 11-18 (I was bratty for a long time). Good luck.
I really feel your pain and know first hand its tough. The thing that is getting me through is love and logic these days. I have become obsessed over it. If you want a super fast great read get the book "Anatomy of Peace" It will really get you through tough things. Hugs friend:)
P.S. I am two for two this week with posting. Look at me!!
I really thought I was going to be a "cool" parent. Ha ha. I was WRONG! Most days are horrible...some are bad...and every once in awhile...ok. Hang in there. I never had a clue how hard it was going to be raising a teenager? Like Amy, I too, long for the toddler days... I have to keep reminding myself this woman/child from hell is really my sweet little girl. I hear there is a light at the end of the tunnel...I hope so!!
I am sorry things are rough right now. I used to think that babies were so hard but the older my kids get I am realizing those were the easy days! I am scared for the teenage years, what did we get ourselves into:)
Post a Comment