Yesterday, as I finished my walk with Henry in the stroller, which I shortened because I wasn't in the mood to go farther, I crossed paths with Jay who was just starting his run. He looked so runner-esque in his quick-dry special-fabric running shirt and shorts. He had his GPS Garmin watch on his wrist and looked exactly like what you'd think a passionate runner would look like.
Meanwhile, I was walking in my chocolate brown velour pants, which end up being high waters when I walk because they don't stay down on my hips but ride up to the thinnest part of my waist, creating a very mom-jean look, except for the non-jean material. I had on a regular old t-shirt and dirty white sketcher sneakers that are at least 6 years old. In other words, I did not look exactly like what you'd think a passionate walker would look like.
He went his way, completing 6 minute/mile pace 1000 meter splits (he's in training) and I ambled my way back the van feeling the oppressive funk of the passionless.
This all came to a head a couple of days ago when Jay announced that he had found a race he wanted to run in this coming weekend while we are in Arizona. My responses rarely seem to satisfy his expectations, but my silent stare definitely took the zip out of his a-dee-doo-dah.
It took me awhile to explain why I was bothered. Of course, the assumption was that I didn't want him to run in the race; that I was annoyed that he'd spend his time racing instead of being with the family. I even felt that must be the reason for my irritation. But, it didn't make sense. The race is at 7:00 on Saturday morning, which means he will likely get there, run, and return before the rest of us wake up, get ready and eat the continental breakfast that he can't have. Logic and reason told me that participating in the race itself was not my problem.
I diagnosed the correct feeling yesterday after seeing him in his glory.
I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of his passion. I'm jealous that he has this thing that he's really good at and that he finds time to do regardless of convenience. I'm jealous that he can justify spending money on specialized clothing and gear and races....because he belongs in that world.
The obvious remedy is to get a passion of my own. But what? When I told Jay, "I don't have a passion." He contradicted me with, "That's not true. You are passionate about reading. You are passionate about blogging." And then he stopped. Because we both know that if I'm passionate about anything, it would be either of those things that take up most of my free time.
But, here's the thing. I don't think that I am. Passionate about either, I mean. Sure, I like to read. Give me a great book and there's a high probability you'll find me reading it until I'm finished. Not all books are great, however, and if I'm not caught up in it, I find myself reading merely to finish....to get on with my next book. And, to be totally honest, I read as much as I do because I enjoy the reputation of being a voracious reader. I'm not sure those motivations qualify it as a passion, though. I've known a few individuals who actually are very passionate about reading and I'm not them. It's not the same. It's just something that's cheap and easy that I enjoy and find relaxing.
Likewise with blogging. In Jay's opinion, I must be passionate about it because I blog or read blogs every day. He has a point, but I don't feel passionate about it. I think I used to, but it's been awhile since I could hardly wait to post something. Audiences change and when I blog now, it feels much less intense than back in my heyday when the day wasn't complete until I hit the publish button. Now, it's more a means to communicate with friends and family and keeping a record of my thoughts and goings on than the experiment in writing that it used to be. Likewise, long gone are the days when I casually blog hopped - reading blogs of strangers or friends of friends and making new blog friends along the way. Contrary to the long list on my sidebar, I don't read all that many blogs anymore. Ocassionally, I will and inevitably will be consumed with blenvy (blenvy means blog envy. From CJane's blog. Talk about blog envy! That woman is a blogging genius). So, I stick with who I know. Lately, it's felt quite stagnant.
I've even thought that perhaps my interpretation of "passion" is too lofty and unattainable. Like maybe what I see as others' passions is really just discipline, hard work and interest. But doesn't the word "passion" mean doing something because the desire to do so is powerful and compelling? That's what I'm missing. Nothing compels me so much that it must be done. It's very disheartening.
I just want a thing. I want it to be mine and so connected to me that when people think of me, they think of my thing too. I want to travel and have the trip be that much more perfect because I got to do my thing too. Yoga, photography, shopping, bird watching, cake decorating, running....whatever. Just something.
I don't know how to find my thing. I take pictures and have never felt compelled to really learn how to do it well. I have decorated cakes and have never felt compelled to have my icing look just so. I have jogged and have never felt compelled to go faster. I live a life without passion. It's not a bad life. In fact, it's a rather good one, considering. But, I want more.
I want the passion.
Has it been your passion for a long time? How do I find one?
24 comments:
I think one way or another we have all been there...seeking for our passions. Although I do feel like I know what I'm passionate about, I feel your pain because there are times when I feel lost, passionless, and empty.
If I had to guess I would say you're passionate about writing. You are a fabulous writer and you do it well. You write from your heart, you write funny, and convey emotion that not everyone can do. While I know what your good at isn't always something your passionate about perhaps it can be a start.
I wish I had some great advice, but it's rare that I do. If you felt passionate about your blog perhaps it's worth finding out what made you love it to get the magic back.
Girl, some times I wonder if you are walking around in my head and picking up rocks in my brain and writing about what you find under them. Hmm that sounded kind of yucky. I guess I should just say that 'I'm with you.'
I too am married to a man that does things with zest, oomph, and yes, passion. Me-well, the closest thing I get to that it a different p word-project. I have projects that I do.
I used to fret about being passionless a great deal back when I used to watch Oprah. So I went to the scriptures. As far as I can tell, the only thing we should be passionate about it is our devotion to God (you know-heart, might, mind, strength stuff). All the rest of it we are supposed to lose.
I think.
At least that's what I have come up with so far. Passion is such a passionate sounding word and I do admire those with it-but maybe (?) it is overrated.
I think we should just go to lunch and wonder about it.
First of all on the bright side... you have a thin part of your waist for the pants to settle on!
This is the perfect post for me to read right now. It describes perfectly how I feel.... I always say that I am good at several things but not great at anything. Of course, as usual, you said it much better. I think you are right, I am not passionate.
This sentence really stood out to me... 'Like maybe what I see as others' passions is really just discipline, hard work and interest.' I think that too. I get that passion means you love it... but can I get to loving something without the discipline and dedication to do it?
Hmmmm... thanks for the thoughts. I feel a bit stagnant myself... I want the passion too. I love that you can put my thoughts into a well-written post.
I don't have it, but I totally know about the husband/passion jealousy. Ken bikes. The bike travels with us on vacations. He flies to the bike show in Vegas. He's heading to Colorado for the Ride the Rockies event in June. I've never invested in leisure that way because there is nothing I want to do that badly.
So...I've written and deleted about five sentences, trying to get my thoughts in order! What I want to say the most is in response to your idea that passion is "just discipline, hard work and interest." Honestly, I think that as it evolves, that is absolutely and exactly what passion is. I know that the things I feel passionate about I only make happen because...well, I make them happen. No matter how much you love to do something, you still have to choose to make it happen.
I also know that, for me, there are times when I HATE the things I am passionate about. I bet there are times when your husband hates to run and would rather be sleeping on the couch.
But I don't know how you find your thing, other than by being yourself. Maybe it also has to do with the season of your life that you're in. Maybe when all your kids are in school, and you have a bit more time, you'll find your thing. Maybe it comes when it's supposed to come?
But, I also have to say this: just because you don't run races doesn't mean you can't belong to the buying-cool-exercise-stuff club! It is horrible, probably, but whenever I am stuck in a rut with my running motivation, buying something new to go running in will get me out of bed in the morning better than ANYTHING else. So, go buy yourself something new and cute to walk in, just to see if you feel more passionate about it!
That said, i think you're fabulous, and I always love reading your blog!
I echo Amy M. You are passionate about writing. I LOVE reading your blog and can feel the emotions come through. I think things we are passionate about have their ups and downs. Some days we are more passionate about them than others. Sometimes we feel no passion. I think if you stopped blogging and reading you would realize that you are indeed passionate about them. Please don't stop!!
You can always join the sisters in our U2 passion!!! Vegas baby, Vegas!
Your description of blogging is so precisely how I would describe my current state.
And I have to totally agree with Amy M. Your writing..way of thinking..analytical capacity..clarity of thought always stuns me. You have to have some passion there or the many times you've toyed with quitting the whole blog scene would have ended in different results.
But I'm also thinking that the passion issue is more a personality thing. I'm an intense (sometimes uptight!) individual and that drives me in my interests. Jim, on the other hand, is not the type of human who devotes his all in a focused way to any one thing. I get into something and can't rest until I reach a certain level. And there's always a backburner full of other things awaiting my impassioned attention. And it's not a question of talents - yours are obvious and many. I'll be thinking about this one all day...
I'm with Amy. That would be Amy So, because it seems that Amy's are filling up your comment box today. But what I mean is that I've deleted a lot of sentences while trying to write this. And all the other stuff too.
I think that things that we are passionate about are also not very fun sometimes. The moments when we really love our "Thing" come in bursts, the same as anything. You read a lot so that you can sometimes feel that feeling of reading a book that you never want to stop. A book that never really leaves you, but gives you something to think about for days, months, years to come. So while you may say your passions aren't always passionate, you still look for those books, those posts that make you feel that THING, that whatever it is.
I love your writing and your blog; there aren't many Lucy's in this world. You have so many talents that I think you could do well at anything you choose. Good luck, friend.
ok....I know that I don't usually post notes on blogs, however, I do believe that I was motivated by some higher power to log onto your blog today in order to help me quite feeling so darn sorry for myself and my pathetic state of a "passionless life". I just have to say that your post today helped me in so many ways and I just want to say "THANKS"! Not that I'm grateful that you have no passion in your life...but more for the justification that I'm not alone in this journey of "life". Your an amazing example of strength and goodness and not to mention an amazing writer! Good luck in your quest...I too think that sometimes brainstorming over lunch might just help us out:)
just in case your not sure...this is me..Lori Francom. I don't have a picture by my name yet. Lets just say that I'm not "passionate" about computer stuff...(ha ha)
Do you ever have those blah moments when you sit around and wonder how the heck you got here? I know I have them too - but the good thing is they pass. Here's my 2 cents....take a class thru your local rec center. It could be quilting, painting, swimming, photography, whatever strikes your fancy and fits in your schedule.
I think you're in a spot where your kids are getting more independent and you can breathe (and reflect) again.
Good luck finding your "thing"!
PS - your blog about Seth just killed me...you always seem to do that with your birthday posts. :)
Once again, you write a post for me. One that I could copy and paste, word for word. I just don't know how to overcome having my own passion because the follow through and drive are missing when I'm about half way through the said activity/task. I'm never really enjoying myself. I'm just there.
Great post Lucy!
Passions change. At least for me. I completely relate to the idea of doing things because you've created a certain reputation about yourself. I do a lot of things simply because others think it's my "thing." And because of my perfectionism, I have to do whatever I do "right."
Other things, like running (not that I'm a real runner like Jay), I do out of fear of what would happen if I didn't do it.
So what does that say about me? I do everything I do out of guilt, insecurity and fear?
Oh dear. Passionless may be better.
Lucy, you do have a way of discussing and encouraging discussion. I thought your post was so interesting and chewed on it off and on all day. I think the comments are so interesting, too. It was a double bonus post.
It seems that oft times passion and talent are used synonymously. I am passionate about a few things, but because they aren't an obvious measurable talent like those in the arts, music, athletics, etc. I didn't recognize them as a passion for a looooong time. However, given the time, energy, thought and sacrifice that I invest in them. . . they certainly qualify as a passion. But, they aren't tangible passions that I can accessorize.
Here's my theory:
I think most people have about the same amount of passion squeezed into their souls. The difference is in the way we divvy it up. Some people have a THING which gets the bulk of their passion stores. Other people divide their passion more evenly among a few, or even many, different interests.
I am proud to not have a THING. I am passionate about life, and all that it's made of, so I try to experience a little of everything. I think you're like that too. Way to be.
HI, I don't know you.. found your blog thru a friend.. I have been feeling the exactsame way lately. I felt like you were talking about me.. I started thinking.. I don't know you but I think my old passion of working out has turned into a passion of being a good mom. Once you turn into a mom.. what time do you have left for a passion. It is much easier for dads to have a passion. They don't have to remember all the little things, is homework done, lunches made, dry cleaning picked up, food bought.. ect... those things have stolen my time to have a passion! I don't have the luxury of putting everything aside for a passion. Someday I hope to get back into really working out hard..until then, I am right there with ya.
Kim
I enjoyed the blog and also the comments. I admire your ability to express your thoughts--and much of the time you do it passionately--with obvious emotion but also with thought and discipline.
I could almost say that blogging for me is a passion - but I wonder sometimes if it's just not more of an addiction than anything. I wish I had the passion for exercise like some people do. Then maybe my butt wouldn't be flat and lumpy from sitting on the couch blogging all day. Maybe I do'nt truly understand what passion means, though. Great post, Lucy!
Well put and like Amy said I think you have a passion for writing you seem to have a gift with words and write them in such a way that grabs us all.
I am not sure if I am passionate about anything these days. I often feel I am just checking things off of a life list rather than actually enjoying them. I wish I could have seen more of you guys. Enjoy your trip home!
Passion or no, I love the way you write and express yourself. It is what first attracted me to your blog and kept my coming back.
I do get this though. I think I appear more passionate than I really am. I get into something and go go go until some other unrealized dream or shiny object gets in my line of sight. I think I have a lot of passion and intensity, just not for that ONE thing. Right now, it is okay. Maybe my passion is trying new things and constantly making those learning and growing discoveries about myself. (that and I am a know it all and want to gain personal experience from everything I can)
I don't have a passion either. I get really interested in something for a time then the excitement wears off and I am on to something else. I don't think that's a bad thing. There is so much out there, why waste your whole life on just one thing? My mom is almost 76 and she says there is still so much she wants to do and learn. I also think that as a mom with young children there is not a lot of "me" time so I think to myself "another day". I think you are a wonderful person and very talented. You have been such a good friend to me and I think you have a passion for life!
Thanks for all the kind comments. I'm always surprised by them. I think I come off as more dejected than I really am. I don't think I'm void of talents, just focus, and discipline.
I think I am the type of person who looks across the fence, thinks that the grass looks greener but in the end, appreciates it from a far because I don't have the personality type to install the sprinkler system and pay for the fertilizer and meticulously weed and mow in order to have a perfect lawn, myself. So, consider me sitting here, hose in hand, watering my dead spots so that it resembles grass and then moving on to something else, where I will inevitably see others doing whatever that is better too:)
"my silent stare definitely took the zip out of his a-dee-doo-dah"
I loved that line! I haven't had time for visiting other blogs much either these days (time or energy). So glad I popped onto yours tonight. I was just finishing a similar conversation with my husband. I agree with another commenter who said it is difficult to have a passion when your time is taken up by the demands of a family with small children. Even though I know this stage will pass, the daily grind really gets me down. I'm certainly not passionate about waking up every morning to the repetitive task of cleaning, feeding, supervising, refereeing, listening, and meeting every one else's needs but my own. Especially when I always feel like I never measure up on everyone else's measuring sticks. Throw in some health issues and overwhelming fatigue and my passion can be summed up in one phrase - "I'm passionate about making it through the day."
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