Enigmatic? Who me?

If you've read this blog for any length of time, you surely know that I am not usually vague. I love details and if something seems unclear...I offer further explanation. And then some more. And then even more...just to be sure.

However, that was not my intention with this last post. Eventually, I'll explain more (see above) about my vision for this 2009 year. But, in a nutshell, I've decided that I want to try new things - to stretch myself by doing things that don't come easily or naturally. To go places, develop skills, taste food and read books that are not currently a part of my repertoire.

When I hit a deer on Friday night, a tiny thought jabbed itself into my head. "Write a poem about it," the still un-traumatized new voice of try suggested. So...I did.

I do not love poetry. I do not enjoy the need to decipher code to understand what the poet actually means. I suppose that when it comes to words, I'm impatient. That being said, poetry is WAY more fun to write. Obviously, I'm not good. The last poems I wrote were for my seventh grade English class and they are still used for a good laugh every now and then.

I liked writing it. I liked trying something new. I liked thinking of this event and finding a different way to write about what happened. I doubt poetry will be a mainstay of blog posts, but I enjoyed doing something that made it to my "Try New Things" Sidebar list.

However, to clear things up, I will now offer a translation:


It's an expression
An idiom, even
That always reminds me of Dan Quayle

I was thinking of the expression, "Like a deer in the headlights." The first time I remember hearing and understanding it was when Quayle was our Vice President and he had no TV charm. Whenever I see a deer, I think of Dan Quayle.

But then
Real metallic eyes
Staring at the spotlight

This week was a doozy. My radio/tape/CD/clock stopped working in the van so on Friday morning, I dropped it off at the mechanic and then took Jay to work so that I would have a car to use all day. I was picking him up from work, in his car, when I saw the deer.


Too close
Too close

They were too close for me to avoid hitting.

I screech
I swerve
We impact

I slammed on the brakes and the car started skidding counter clockwise. As I was sliding sideways, I hit the deer along the passenger side of the car. Hitting the deer turned the car completely backwards and I skidded to a stop in the median of the highway.

I'm stunned but unhurt
I can't see Dan
Now the spotlights are on me
They blind me while I sit and stare at my past
Nothing moves
As the portable audience waits for my bow

The most traumatizing thing of this all was how narrowly I escaped a major accident. I was going fairly fast when I saw the deer - around 50 mph. I was in the far right lane and swerved into the passing lane while braking to try to avoid the unavoidable crash. Traffic was heavy as it was rush-hour-ish and the fact that I didn't side swipe a car right then is a miracle. As I was skidding, my brain was doing physics and I guessed that the car would keep on skidding into oncoming traffic. It was a steady stream of headlights and even though it was only about a second, I thought about how badly I was going to be hurt. How badly I was probably going to hurt someone else. If I was ready to die. I know it all sounds melodramatic, but I just saw all the motion predicting that end. When I stopped, I stopped perfectly backwards in the middle of the highway. All traffic came to a halt and I sat there shaking for probably 10 seconds, wondering if I should get out, wondering what in the world I should do.

I reverse off stage
A thousand distractions muffling the applause
The squash, the phone, the car
But not Dan
Should I cancel?

Eventually, I put the car in reverse and horseshoed my way back onto the side of the road, facing the right direction. I could see tufts of deer fur but no deer and still wondered if I should get out. I had spent the day getting Jay a new cell phone and so he didn't have one and I couldn't call him to tell him what happened. We were having friends over for dinner and I wondered if I could possibly spend the rest of the evening as if my life hadn't changed...because I felt so horribly mortal at that second.

I'm alone
He's alone
They're alone
Unwatched

The realization of leaving my kids at home, while I "quickly" went to pick up their dad crashed onto me. What if, what if, what if? I left the the instructions, "Don't answer the door. Don't pick up the phone." I put Seth in charge with the promise of cash if he kept the house clean and made sure Henry didn't make any messes. But, really, I knew they would just sit there and watch the movie and not move the entire time I was gone. But what if? Who would have figured out, if I had been badly hurt...or worse, that they were alone? Unwatched. It almost paralized me, except for knowing that Jay was waiting for me at the hospital, probably outside, and I had to get there.

I can't do this anymore
Be in the spotlight
And bungle
Bungle
Bungle all my lines

This is about my breakdown. It's been awhile since I have sobbed. That uncontrollable, whole body shake that just takes over. If I cry, I usually cry silently but I recall several moans and out loud lamentations during that last mile to the hospital. I can't explain everything that released at that time, but it was definitely more than hitting that deer. It was the endless weight of being a parent, a wife...a woman. Let's just say I got it ALL out.

It feels horrible
It feels unlucky
Or
Perhaps a blessing
We're safe

By this time, I was beginning to realize the hidden blessing. The passenger side was hit hard, impacting the door, and no one was sitting on that side to get hurt. Henry's car seat was set up on that side too, so I felt relieved that they were safe at home. It was a bizarre feeling to have the guilt of leaving them at home directly conflict with the relief of having them not in the car.

I drive to him
To confess...sobbing
Sobbing

I've already covered this. Jay handled me perfectly. He drove home and I sat in the back seat because the passenger door no longer opens.

The show must go on
They say
My head hurts as the spotlight follows me again
Another scene
Happy this time
Serving squash soup

We did have our friends over for dinner. The meal was all liquid stuff, so Jay wouldn't feel left out. I thought several times throughout the night, "Everything is fine. But a few more inches, a few different variables and nothing would have been."

So, I apologize for the confusion. This week is already shaping up to be considerably better than last. I was just trying something....different.