Look Who's 6!

Always trying to capture his cuteness with eye contact in a still photo. Got close here but he doesn't hold for long.


My Big H turns six years old today! Between his very, very casual birthday party on Friday after school, ski lessons on Saturday (we are bringing in the professionals after two years of trying to teach him ourselves)and lots of attention from his primary leaders, brothers, aunt, grandparents, parents and a dinner of lime jello with whipped cream and "smashed" potatoes, he's having a great weekend. It's nice to see him so happy and excited.

I know as Henry continues to mature and learn that he'll outgrow some of his mayhem making ways. I often think of that handprint poem that I seem to get every day on mother's day and wonder if I'll ever miss his messes. I know as I watched his long legs run around the room and his big-toothed grin every time he heard "Happy Birthday," I felt the transition happening from little boy to boy. He's been my youngest for so long...it's weird that he's all of a sudden so...well...big. I mourned just a little.

But, not for long. I am excited for what this year will bring. So many new reading words and I just know those training wheels won't be on for long. I'm thinking about starting him on the piano this fall and it's his turn to try some sports, like soccer. Yes, year six is going to bring big changes for an official big boy!

At his party on Friday.  The gathering activity after snack was play-doh.  They enjoyed it much longer than I anticipated. And, yes, two moms I didn't know stayed.  I get why they do but I still wish they wouldn't.  Especially when they aren't staying to make sure their child doesn't jump up and down on my couch (I don't believe in disciplining children when their parents are present.  I might have said something had my couches been fancier but I still thought it weird that they didn't say anything).

We really winged every birthday activity.  After play-doh, they went and jumped on the trampoline for awhile.  When they started coming back in and wandering around, we brought out the indoor bocce ball set my boys got from their grandparents this Christmas.  It kept their attention for about 3 minutes.  It's hard to play Bocce with 8 kids.

Present time!  I figured it was as good as time as any when Daniel got fussy and I sat down to nurse him.  I'm multi-tasking here:)

Then Jay took over camera duties.  Henry's friends must know he loves cars!  He got two remote control cars, a push car and a build-it-yourself helicopter.

Non-descript paper plates and grocery store cupcakes.  It was a low-key party that still managed to be more stressful than it should be.  I think I have party anxiety disorder or something!

I love this picture of Henry looking back with admiration and love at his dad.  And I love that he has a bit of red frosting on his face already.

I wish I had been able to take a picture of how handsome he looked in his white shirt and tie for church today but my kids are programmed to get into comfortable pajamas the minute they get home from church.  G & G came over and Henry was delighted with the John Deer tractor he got as well as the moolah inside the card.

Hugs for Grandma Karen

Grandpa gives six birthday spankings.

Jay and Sam helping Henry read his card from my parents, also filled with cash.

Aunt Jen brought a Transformer.  Sadly, even though it is rated "easy" and for ages 5 and up, neither she nor I could figure out how to help him transform Optimus Prime into a truck.

Cousins Sadie, Owen, Jonas and Ansel sent a colorful card and identifying hat:)

Henry discovers his birthday present that was hid in the kitchen.  A new and bigger bike!

Seth helps him up.

And he's off!  I told him this was the first and only time he'd ride a bike inside.

Looks like he's figured it out.

But he didn't get far.

Cake time!  I made him a football cake that tasted good but it had that particular mom-made flair.  In other words, it was rather hideous.

Gotta get our money's worth out of the #6 candle!

Love that smile.  Happy, happy birthday, Henry.  We love you.

A Tale of Two Moms

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way--

Dickens may have been referring to the atmosphere of a pre-French revolution, but his words are incredibly astute for this postpartum mom.  Just as I knew it would, the horribleness of my pregnancy disappeared moments after deliver.  I can’t explain it.  No doubt, there are skeptics who think all of my symptoms are psychosomatic and can thus conclude that their immediate departure is due to the fact that they were only in my head to begin with.  Maybe.  I’m not doubting my brain has that kind of capacity and influence over my body but I really do think there's more to it than that.

The nausea that overwhelmed me only two hours before delivery was magically gone....GONE as soon as I held the baby in my arms.  I felt it.  I even commented to the nurses and Jay about it.  And it hasn’t returned for a second since. I haven’t coughed because my throat is no longer coated with whatever it was coated with.  I can sing again.  The more obvious things are gone as well: the heartburn, compressed bladder, back pain, pelvis that seems to have no ligaments attached to it anymore (I felt so loose and wobbly!).

Even better, the oppressive fog of depression or fatigue or fitfulness or whatever it was that has held me hostage for months has lifted.  I see that scene from the Disney cartoon, Aladdin, when the Sultan finally breaks free from Jafar’s evil influence because Aladdin figures out that the reason the Sultan’s eyes are turning into red spirals and he’s talking complete nonsense in a monotone is because Jafar has been controlling him with a gold serpent staff, and destroys the staff.  Having Daniel was the equivalent of Aladdin breaking that staff.     I think pregnancy hormones are my personal Jafars but perhaps there has been a pointy-bearded sorcerer secretly following me around.  Either way, I’m free!

These things translate into the best of times.  I feel good.  My recovery has been swift and mostly pain-free (those first few days of afterbirth pains during nursing are not fun).  Daniel is a champion nurser, which is a totally new experience for me.  He sleeps well.  He’s cute and soft and cuddly and I’m thoroughly enjoying holding and kissing him as much as I possibly can.  They say you can’t overdo it with a newborn but I wonder.  It’s hard for me to get anything else done because I’d rather watch him sleep in my arms than vacuum or shower.



What I pretty much want to do all the time

What I’m not doing nearly as well is being an equally loving mom to my other boys, specifically, Henry.  His reaction to the baby was one of the most frequent questions we got and it was a funny, simple story to repeat.  He came to the hospital and wouldn’t look at the baby, wouldn’t hold the baby and pretty much told me he didn’t want me to come home.  When I told him I would be home the next day, he responded with, "Well, I'll be sleeping."  When I said I'd see him the day after, his comeback was, "I'll still be sleeping."   Obviously, he was feeling stressed and displaced and by the time we got home the next day, all was well.  He loved me and his baby brother.

Since then, he’s pretty oblivious to the baby.  He dutifully gets me my hooter hider if I am nursing - to keep me modest.  He willingly throws dirty diapers away.  But he never wants to hold Daniel or touch him or talk to him.  The other boys do but Henry is usually off somewhere else.

Which is not a good thing.

You see, when Henry is off somewhere else, I have learned that nine times out of ten, he is making a mess, playing with something he shouldn’t, ruining something or doing all three at the same time.  Honest introspection has allowed me to reach the conclusion that some of it is just him.  He is a bonafide Dennis the Menace.  But, he also loves positive attention and can choose to not be a menace if he’s getting all that happy love.  So, that’s the other part of it.   I am partly to blame.  Not wholly to blame.  I think it’s unrealistic to take credit for our children’s awesomeness or the parts of their personalities we find wanting, but it is fairly plain to see that he wouldn’t cause nearly as much mischief if he had constant supervision and more happy love.

Therein lies the problem.  I can’t do it - the heavy monitoring.  I don’t want to do it.  Like I mentioned up above, I have an adorable baby I want to gaze at and Henry’s disappearing act and subsequent disasters are killing my new baby love groove.  I discover them, or Jay does, and we just lose it.  His brand new DS he got for Christmas?  Cracked.  Seth’s new logic toy?  Pieces missing in Henry’s disaster of a room.  Food wrappers everywhere.  Crumbs galore.  Scissors missing.  I don’t even want to think about what that may mean.

I hate that this is so, because I love Henry and recognize that he is so desperate for me to be back to normal, but my energy and positivity seems to be reserved for the baby. Seth and Sam are faring better.  We’ve been watching and chatting during all the bowl games together at night and I while I’m sure that doesn’t qualify as good parenting for most, it meets their needs.  I was better with all of them when my parents were around helping.   They took up every bit of slack in my parenting rope and, during that first week, I could manage most the attentiveness required for competent mothering.

Now, lunches need making, homework needs checking, dinner needs cooking, and the laundry that seemed so doable while my mother did it, needs folding.  I’m really trying to let most messes go but there is a level of cleanliness that must be maintained or I lose any kind of perspective.  When it gets below that point, all the many, many good qualities my boys possess are overshadowed by what I perceive X theis slothfulness.  I rage.  It isn’t pretty.

So, it’s also the worst of times.  I sent Henry to bed the other night without supper because he would not stay buckled in the car.  He’s now sitting on the back bench with Seth and that extra distance away from me makes him think he can pretty much walk around the car whenever he wants.  I pulled over, waited for him to buckle up and he just kept doing it.  I was infuriated by the time I got home and he acted like he could have cared less.  Then, when he was explaining what happened to his dad, who went to have a little pow wow with him when he got home, he said, “Mom got annoyed with me and sent me to bed.”  No mention of the car, or the seat belt or anything.  Just me...being annoyed.  Which annoyed the crud out of me!

I look at him when he’s not watching and I ache with affection for him.  We cuddled on the couch this morning and I resolved to simply love him today.  No corrections.  No scolding.  Just time and attention and love.  Then I went to clean his room.  Hopefully, I can calm down before he gets home from school.

It’s heaven and it’s hell.  Hope and despair.  Belief and incredulity.  I think Dickens understood life with Henry and a newborn.

A rare moment of Henry being interested in Daniel.  

Friends and Facebook

I think I hate Facebook.

I waffle because it’s not altogether an evil site.  It’s been a good place to reconnect with some people.  It gave me quicker access to people than blogs and was certainly a faster way to express myself than writing on my blog but those status updates have never given me satisfaction for very long.

You see...I’m all about the details.  Even when they were too difficult to write.

Now that I’m feeling better and much, much more interested in others, I’m finding that I....hesitate...to even log onto my Facebook page.  As I examined the reasons for the hesitation I came to realize something.

I think I hate Facebook.

Today’s current count of Facebook friends for me is 276.  That seems like a lot, although I know people who have a much higher number than that.  I have no idea how often that number changes but what I do know is that I do not have 276 friends.

I rarely go seeking after more “friends” but I do usually accept friend requests, unless I don’t know the person or have already defended them once (No.  I STILL don’t want to see semi-nude pictures of you in a drunken state, thank you very much).    I suppose I’ve been defriended or blocked or whatever by others but I don’t know by whom as I may have hidden them anyway.  I have discovered that if Facebook were an actual party or reunion or whatever it’s trying to be, I would be a very rude guest/attendee.  Your daily workout routine?  I don’t care.  My eyes are glazing over.  Your forwarded/copy/pasted/generic declaration of loving God/family/country?  Tacky.  Can’t contain my eye roll.  I think these things deserve sincere individual thought.  Your never ending promotion of whatever it is you’re selling?  I’m going to walk away.  I know everyone’s got to eek out a living but it feels much like the vendors that perturb my chill on the beach in Mexico by asking me to buy their woven bracelets with my name personalized on it every ten seconds.  I’m here to relax, not buy stuff!

In my defense, it’s not that I wouldn’t be interested in any of those things should we be having a conversation or should I know the reasons or background story as to why any of those things matter to you.    If it’s a part of your life and, if we’re actually friends, I would probably be interested because I’m interested in you.  It’s the coldness of Facebook, its endless Groundhog Day-esque insipid and meaningless conversations with acquaintances - NOT friends, that’s got me heading towards retreat.  I miss connecting with people.  I miss caring about people.

That’s just on the receiving end.  I’m SURE I’m equally annoying on Facebook because if you’re active at all on there (and what’s the point if you’re not active?) your status updates are going to appear tedious to others who don’t know you well and don’t care that much.  I’ve been posting a lot about pregnancy and baby stuff lately and one of my high school friends jokingly (maybe) threatened to hide me because of it.  Not enough pictures of me holding bottles of alcohol with random people he wouldn't know to keep him entertained, I guess (Look at me being petty.  He’s a really good guy but, man, does he drink with friends a lot!  Or at least that’s what his life looks like on Facebook).  Mostly, I miss having the chance to express myself with more than one paragraph.

The other day, my best friend from high school and college sent me a package with a cute outfit for Daniel apologizing for not knowing I was pregnant until two weeks previously from one of my Facebook posts.  I felt shame.  I was her maid of honor.  She was mine.  I have 276 friends on Facebook and that number, that totally false and inflated number of friends, is partly to blame for my neglect.  Why in the world do I spend any time at all reading about someone who was in my married ward at BYU for one semester and not spend the time to call or write a girl who helped me become a grown up?  Shame!

I’m going to try harder.  I’m going to express myself more.  Be it through blogging or emailing or letter writing or even calling, which is not my go-to means of communicating, I’m going to be a better friend.  There are lots of good things about Facebook but it’s not a good place to be friends.  Acquaintances...yes.  Friends....no.  And I need friends.

Daniel - 2 Weeks

Two week checkup:

Weight 9 lbs 1 oz.
Length 20.5 inches

Confession - he is not actually smiling in this picture. In fact, I’m pretty sure he was about to topple onto his side and this was the start of a cry. But, isn’t it a cute picture? You can picture what he will look like when the smiles come!

2011 Year In Review

1.  What did you do in 2011 that you've never done before? 

Jay and I met friends up in Montana for a ski vacation.  I don't even think I've ever skiied two days in a row before as I'm pretty much an exclusive Saturday skier with the occasional weekday thrown in.  But to fly, with a ski bag, to meet friends, to an unfamiliar ski resort was one of the most fun things we've ever done as a couple.  I hope to do it again.  I also went river rafting for the first time.  So much fun.




Our group skiing at Big Mountain/Whitefish in Montana.


Rafting with my boys and my sister, Jen, and her family






2.  Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more for next year?  I dislike New Year's Resolutions.  I believe a year is just too long to say you're going to do a certain thing.  I wanted to write more thank-you notes but I crashed and burned on that big time.  I think I made it about a week.  If it's considered a resolution, I'd like to blog more in 2012 but I'm going to avoid calling it a resolution so that I don't automatically fail.


3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?  Me!  I feel like a lone wolf as most family members are done with their families as well as my friends.  I think about the women in my ward and town who are having newborns and can't imagine hanging out with them.  But you never know.



4.  Did anyone close to you die?  My uncle died.  It was wonderful to be able to go to his funeral and meet up with my parents and most of my siblings and see his children, my cousins.  I hadn't kept in close touch with them but we have a lot of family memories together and it was good to be there to support my mom and remember the life of an amazing man.




My mother and my uncle's wife, Doreen.



My uncle had 10 children.  This is his legacy:  all of his children, their spouses and children.  45 grandchildren in all.

5.  What countries did you visit?  I went on a carnival cruise with my sisters, Jen and Sarah, and my mother.  It was a seven night Mexican riviera cruise so we stopped in Puerto Vallerta and Cabo San Lucas.  I was not impressed with either city and don't think Mexico is my destination vacation of choice.




Getting fish tacos at a restaurant in Cabo.



Trying desperately to find a quiet place on the ship to relax.  We found this area, which was incredibly windy and thus deserted to be just the spot.  At least we weren't constantly reminded by Carnival that we were having the best party of our lives every minute of the day. And I guess it wasn’t too windy as I got this sweaty!

6.  What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?  Energy!  Kind of a lame answer and not wholly truthful as I felt great the first four months but 2011 (actually, more like only March as January and February were spent in mostly constant muscular pain and April had me perplexed with as of yet unexplained lethargy) will go down in my memory of being the year I was tired and pregnant.  I hope to be useful again and able to support my children and friends in their endeavors instead of being constantly....tired.

7.  What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?   December 19th.  What used to be an important date because it is the day Jay and I got married fifteen years ago is now the birthday of my youngest son.



My dad with his youngest grandson.

8.  What was your biggest personal achievement of the year?  For sure it was the 36 pounds I lost in the Biggest Loser program during the months of January through March.  It should be the creating and protecting the body of baby Daniel, but I feel less responsible for that than I should.  Making the deliberate choice to wake up at five am every morning to go and work out for two hours, in the winter, and give up many of the foods I enjoy was life changing.  While I know it will be incredibly difficult to do again, I do know that I can do it.  Because I did it.


My final weigh-in picture.  

9.  What was your biggest failure?  I've been much too self-absorbed this year.  I hope to follow the advice President Hinckley's father game him on his mission this next year to "forget myself and go to work."

10.  Did you suffer injury or illness?  Lots of illness but no injury.  I'm so happy to be done throwing up.

11.  What was the best thing you bought?  Jay's truck.  It happened!  I love watching him drive up the driveway in his manly black truck instead of whatever beat-up lemon he always seemed to be driving before.




12.  Whose behavior merited celebration?   My children.  They have been endlessly patient with me and so, so, so helpful.  I appreciate them not only as good children but as my friends.  They have been there for me through it all all while continuing to excel in their own endeavors:  school, church, 4-H, scouts, sports and speech.  Specifically, I'm proud of Jay for achieving a goal of his: to run a marathon in under three hours.  I'm proud of Seth for successfully showing and selling his 4-H steer and for handling middle school so much better than his mother.  I'm proud of Sam for choosing to be baptized.  And I'm proud of Henry for working hard during speech.




Seth and Buddy.






Henry "crossing the bridge" at preschool graduation.



Jay at the Seattle Marathon.  He also ran at Boston and in Georgia.  I hope I'm not forgetting one.  He filled the in betweens with several half marathons and other races of various distances.  

13.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?    I was pretty much annoyed at the world this year.  It's hard to single any one person out.

14.  Where did most of your money go?  Even though the people who seem to have the time and resources to hang out in parks all day don't think it's enough, we gave the biggest chunk to the government.  Again.  But, the new truck, paying to clean up our flooded basement, replacing our computer and dishwasher and the medical expenses of having a baby and another surgery for Henry add up as well.

15.  What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Not exactly a year filled with giddiness but I got pretty excited seeing my body change early in the year.  I was very excited to find out I was having another boy and that he was born so healthy.



20 weeks along and just found out I was having a boy.

16.  What song will always remind you of 2011?  "Someone Like You" by Adele.  I love her entire album, 21, and have the best memory of crooning it out with Sam on the way to piano lessons this year.

17.   Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?  a) I'm not sadder but I think it's a stretch to say I'm happier than I was this time last year.  I'm hopeful for lots of happiness this next year.   b) amazingly, a little bit thinner.  I got on the scale today and I'm actually about five pounds down from where I started the Biggest Loser program last year.  But that's still 30 pounds heavier than I started pregnancy so I've got a lot of work to go.  c) the same.  Happy that we are blessed with a good job and simple tastes which keeps us from wanting fancy stuff:)

18.  What do you wish you'd done more of?  I definitely wish I had tried to keep more fit.  I haven't been in touch with my trainer since May!


19.  What do you wish you'd done less of?  Whining.  Are you sensing a pattern here?

20.  Did you fall in love in 2011?  I did.  His name is Daniel.




21.  What was your favorite TV program?  I only watch SYTYCD and Amazing Race on TV and neither is really a favorite.  My sister, Sarah, bought me the PBS series Downton Abbey to watch in the early and most ill part of my pregnancy and I loved it.  Can't wait for season 2 to start on January 8th!

22.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?  Not a hater.  Thankful I didn't turn into one.

23.  What was the best book you read?   Best classic: Angle of Repose.  Best Non-Fiction: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.  Best Children's Book: On the Night That You Were Born.  Best YA fiction: &nbrFX3BMatched.  Best Parenting Book:  The Anatomy of Peace.  Best Historical Fiction: Jayber Crow.  Best Memoir: Bossypants.  Best Fiction:  Crow Lake (even though it was a re-read). Definitely not my best reading year and an even worse review year.

24.  What was your greatest musical discovery?  I think the rest of the world and I discoved that Adele can be heard all. day. long.

25.  What did you want and get?  Unbelievable support from my family while I worked to lose weight.  They adapted to me being gone every morning with grace and selflessness.


26.  What did you want and not get? A LBD in a size 12 that I buy off the rack.  I'm going to get one in 2012!

27.  What was your favorite film of this year?    We rented the movie, Buck, from Netflix and I was mesmerized.  It's kind of a slow documentary but I loved it.

28.  What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?  Due to my horrible blogging, I am not 100% sure what I did on my actual birthday.  I think I took my boys to the fair and carnival.  I turned 36 and if it was like most days, went to bed between 8:30 pm and 9.  Pretty exciting.




29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? It's not really worth wishing, because it's passed, but I would have really liked to experience pregnancy without being sick all the time.  I wish I could have enjoyed it.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept for 2011? Easy.  I proudly chose more fitted clothes as I lost weight and then stretchy maternity skirts for six straight months.

31. What kept you sane? Ear plugs to help me sleep.  Tylenol PM to help me sleep.  Diet Coke to soothe my stomach.  Tums to help with heartburn.  My family who reminded me that I'm not always a self-absorbed depressed person.  And the love of my life, Jay, who put up with me all year long.

Merry Christmas 2011

Christmas was a merry and tired event for me this year.  I imagined having a newborn would make a holiday celebrating the birth of Christ even more meaningful but, in a way, it made me less aware of the holiday as I was consumed by my own recovery, fatigue and experience.  Thankfully, I had finished my shopping and decorating well before my preoccupation with Daniel and my parents and Jay were around to hype it up and party with the older boys.

Christmas Eve was spent at the in-laws and Jay had prepared a delightful program with Seth, Sam and Henry about Samuel the Lamanite and the day and night and a day with no darkness complete with costumes, song and machetes!  It was followed by singing carols, breaking open a dinosaur piñata and having a bowl of delicious rice pudding with raspberry sauce.

We came home late and opened our Christmas jammies.  I had some super cute ones for Daniel but opted to keep him sleeping instead.




Come morning, the boys oohed and aahed over their Santa gifts and then we all got ready for church.  I hadn’t made up my mind if I was going to go or not and was definitely learning towards the not (I had a six day old, after all) but Daniel blessed me with a relatively good night’s sleep and I wanted to help support the ward choir and witness Seth’s first sacrament meeting solo!  My mom stayed home with the baby and even though people thought I was crazy for being there, and I was, I’m glad I went.

Once home, we opened the rest of the gifts.  As much as I like to think I “kept things simple,” I know I did not.  Like usual, we spent too much money and got way too many things but I know the boys loved the day.  They were so sweet to each other and I loved watching Seth eagerly give his brothers the gifts he bought for them (which he spent too much of his own money on) and cried when Sam gave Daniel a thoughtful letter and homemade ornament.  My favorite gifts were the biography of my grandmother, including pictures and the pen Seth made me with the help of his dad.

Here are some videos of the boys play.  They are kind of long and I’m really disappointed with the upload quality (I have the worst luck with video.  What are your secrets to getting good video and sharing it???)  But, they are pretty cute and if you get to the end, you get to hear some pretty sweet singing.  Plus, in video #2, Nephi Prays, all the boys have swords or machetes.  Real ones.  Jay had a lot of confidence in the boys!






Cup throwing at 1:41!  Followed by adorable singing!


Sharp tools enter the scene at 2:27 minutes!

Seth sings Silent Night in german.

Cute picture of Stephanie, Clark and their boys, Ethan and Caden.

Singing carols with my dad at the piano.

Delanie loves the singing!

Derek doesn’t even pretend to love the singing.

Some bad Nephites.

Samuel the Lamanite

Um...yeah.  That is a machete.   And me nursing in the background.  I hate nursing in public.  I can’t believe I am posting this picture except it’s the only one of the boys holding a blade to seth’s neck:)

Derek is such a softie with babies!

It was pretty warm at Grandmas so I kept Daniel in a onesie.

I was a horrible photographer come Christmas morning!  Here are all of the pictures I have of that day.  Jay reading the letter from Sam to Daniel.

Daniel’s ornament (Heartbreak!  It broke later that morning!)

Henry opening up a gift.

My mom and dad with the pens Jay made them.

I really wanted to get a picture of Daniel inside his Christmas stocking but it never panned out.  I took this in the wee hours of the morning after I fed him.  These are his cute Christmas jammies and stocking I ordered without knowing if we were actually going to name him Daniel.  I took the risk because they were on sale!